Page 69 of Love in the Shadows

“I have taken care of you since you were a baby and during the Great War when you were Astrid’s age, and in one capacity or another with your own children since. I just want you to know that I will always do my best to protect you.”

Johanna wondered if she’d misjudged Nanny’s statement about fraternisation; maybe the grief was making her more irritated and jumpier hearing propaganda from a woman she had once looked up to. She had no tolerance for folly now. She inhaled deeply and tried to release the tension that stiffened her neck. “That’s very kind. Thank—”

“I mean it. I am a teacher and I have been instructed to teach without passing on my opinion. It touched my heart when Ralf enlisted, and it would break my heart if anything happened to you or Astrid. I have noticed how you are with the Frenchwomen. I just want you to know, I will do whatever I can to keep you and Astrid safe.”

Johanna hadn’t expected what sounded like unconditional support coming from Nanny. Had it become so difficult to see the people around her clearly, to trust them at their word? Did she trust Nanny? Not entirely. There was only one person Johanna trusted completely, and that was Fabienne. But Nanny knew about the food in the cellar, and her non-committal response to Johanna’s explanation implied she didn’t believe the food was being stored for a dinner party. Nanny suspected Johanna was up to something, and Nanny had made it clear that she had Johanna’s back. That would be useful.

“If you can keep Astrid occupied for the next few days while I grieve the loss of my son, that would be helpful.”

Nanny bit her lip and nodded. “Of course. I understand.”

Johanna wasn’t sure whether she did or not, but since Nanny agreed without asking more questions, then maybe Johanna could give her the benefit of doubt.

“I’ll take Astrid a berry cordial if I might. Would you object if I talked to her about famous poets today? I think she’s quite bored of politics and religion. I know I am.”

Johanna smiled. “I’d be delighted. Frau Tussaud will make some biscuits later. I’ll get Schmidt to bring them up.”

Nanny didn’t smile, but it was as close to an expression of satisfaction as Johanna had seen from her. “Very good. We like Frau Tussaud’s biscuits.” She took the jug of berry cordial and cups and headed to the classroom.

Johanna was drinking her second coffee when Fabienne entered the kitchen. She looked bright-eyed and bubbly, which was surprising since she couldn’t have got much sleep.

“Bonjour, Madame,” Fabienne whispered.

Johanna closed the space between them. She put her hand on Fabienne’s waist and moved her to the side so she could get to the worksurface. It was just an excuse to touch her and left her craving the contact, the comfort. She let Fabienne go and reached into the cupboard for a cup. “Would you like a coffee?”

“There’s something we need to do first.” Fabienne opened the door to the cellar, switched on the light and went down the stairs.

Johanna followed her to the far corner of the room where the sour smell was most evident.

“Help me move this unit further down the wall.”

Fabienne pushed and Johanna pulled until the secret panel behind it was revealed. There was a hole for a handle, just big enough to poke an index finger through. Fabienne tugged it open and entered the cave on the other side. Johanna glanced around the dark space. The cool air smelled sour.

Fabienne gathered up three small rounds of cheese, brought them into the cellar and put them on a shelf with the other rations.

Johanna pinched her nose. “Is that what the smell is?”

Fabienne nodded. “This is the best Munster cheese in the region. I have to leave some in the cave as I use it as trading currency. The ones on the shelf are for the children to eat.”

Johanna wandered around the small dark space, noting the tunnel entrances. “It’s impressive,” she said.

“I suspect the tunnels were originally constructed in the sixteenth century, before the house was built.” Fabienne shrugged. “We need to lock the door upstairs now, and you keep hold of the key. Tonight, I’ll come here via the tunnel and settle the children in. You must not come down, not tonight.”

Johanna opened her mouth to object, and Fabienne kissed her.

“Promise me? You must play the piano from nine-thirty to ten-thirty. The music will be used as a guide. After ten-thirty, they will have to be as quiet as possible. Whenever you play the piano, it will give them a little breathing space, so at mealtimes it would be good to have the music as a distraction in case there is more noise.”

Johanna wanted to hold her, just to feel her close, to be comforted by her strength and warmed by her tenderness, and to sweep away the distressing images of Ralf that haunted her. She couldn’t imagine a time when she wouldn’t want Fabienne with every fibre of her being; the desire was almost painful. “I promise,” she said, her voice affected by the mix of emotions that had turned her world upside down.

Fabienne seemed to assess her. “Are you sure you are okay?”

Johanna caressed Fabienne’s cheek, to feel the softness of her that somehow made everything right. “I’m better for you being here. Thank you for last night.”

Fabienne blushed, though she was still frowning and assessing, as if trying to find confirmation that Johanna wasn’t going to break down. Johanna had questioned whether she could hold it together. She needed the distraction and she wanted to do something positive. It was the only way to counter the horror.

“I wanted to be there for you,” Fabienne said and averted her gaze. “I’m sorry there isn’t more time to grieve properly.”

Johanna wondered if Fabienne wished she hadn’t said that she loved Johanna last night. Maybe Gerhard had been guarded with Johanna for the same reasons. An admission of love made the pain of loss harder to take. Johanna knew that well enough with Ralf. But surely there was a place for hopes and dreams too. If not, the emptiness and loneliness would be too suffocating to bear. Everything felt so messed up, so confusing, but there was one thing she was certain of.

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