Page 6 of Love in the Shadows

Fabienne laughed. “Sure. Stay in your room and draw something we can put on my bedroom wall. I’ll sort out dinner when I get back, and then I’ll come and get you.”

Nancy held her gaze and nodded.

Fabienne checked her watch. “Right, I have to go or I’m going to be late.” She tapped her breast pocket. “This will keep me safe from ces putains de Boches.” She winked, and Nancy smiled through a frown.

Nancy’s gaze stayed on her as she packed a small cotton bag with a de-corked bottle of wine, cheese and bread, and left the house. She closed the back door and stepped outside. The low rumble of armoured vehicles now echoing in the distance would make her mission easier.

***

Johanna hadn’t given much thought about what to expect, but even so, she hadn’t thought that her new home would be like this.

The timber struts that fronted the upper storeys were weathered to a bleached brown and in desperate need of renovation. There was a dark archway at the left side of the main building that seemed to separate the house into two distinctive parts at ground level. The brickwork there was crumbling, although beyond it, at the back of the house in the sunlight, she got a glimpse of gardens. Shuttered windows made the construction look heavy and depressing. The driver stopped the car outside the open front door, and soldiers piled out of the house and formed a line from the driveway to the house.

Johanna stepped out of the car straight into a puddle and cursed the mud splatter that now coloured her beige shoes. She glanced around, taking in the hint of pine and unmistakeable smell of cow manure that drifted in on the breeze. This wasn’t the type of place she’d envisaged bringing her daughter up in. It was too remote, too raw and country, and not enough city. Where was the rich culture that would enhance her daughter’s most important education? She would pray that being here was a temporary arrangement and they would soon go home, and that Astrid wouldn’t be forced to join the Bund Deutscher Mädel.

A soldier approached her and saluted. “Welcome to Erstein, Frau Neumann. I am Hauptmann Kohl. We have prepared the house for you, so everything is in order for your arrival.”

“Thank you, Hauptmann Kohl.”

Astrid tugged at her arm. “Mutter, Mutter, when can I see Vater?”

Her heart started to thump a little harder and her stomach clenched, though she tried to smile and hoped Astrid was too young to pick up on her apprehension. “He will still be at work, darling. I expect later this evening. He will be very excited to see you.”

“The kommandant is expected back at eight-thirty,” Kohl said.

Astrid stared at him, moved closer to Johanna, and spoke in a whisper. “Mutter, can I go and explore the house?”

Johanna smiled. “Yes, of course, darling, but do be careful.” She turned to Hilda, whose expression reflected Johanna’s agonising thoughts about their new situation.

Hilda had been her nanny and then Ralf’s before Gerhard had enlisted him into the Hitler Youth. She was like a part of the family, and Johanna trusted her as much as she trusted her husband. Hilda couldn’t be faulted for the diligence with which she carried out her duties, and she was an excellent tutor. However, she was also overly strict and a staunch advocate of the Reich. That meant Johanna couldn’t voice her opinion or debate with her without her loyalties being called into question.

In truth, there wasn’t anyone in the world she could have a truly open and honest conversation with, in the way that she had while playing for the Berliner Philharmoniker. She missed the intellectual debates with her colleagues, the students who had challenged her understanding with their alert and brilliant minds, and the freedom of speech that had made her feel alive. She hoped they would be able to return to those times after the war, but in the meantime, she had this place to contend with. Entertaining Gerhard’s guests would give her something to occupy her time, and she could still hold her head up high for her contribution to the Reich. Hoping for anything more stimulating would be wasted energy.

“Would you go with Astrid and make sure she stays safe, please?”

Nanny nodded, looking towards the fields that extended behind and to the right of the cottage across the yard where cows grazed, and the pine forests that rose up steeply in the distance. “It’s not quite Strasbourg, is it?” she said, not hiding that the acrid smell had got up her nose.

Strasbourg, the city closest to Erstein, would certainly have been preferrable to this. Johanna tried to find something appealing about the place to lift her spirits. She could have a tree cut down for Christmas. She inhaled deeply. “It reminds me a bit of Gerhard’s grandparents’ holiday home in the Black Forest. I never enjoyed our visits there either.”

Nanny smiled. “Come along, Astrid.”

“Help her choose a bedroom, please.” At least her daughter could feel she had some control over things, which was more than Johanna felt. “It will help her to settle.”

“And what about your room, Frau Neumann?”

It wasn’t news to Nanny that Johanna and Gerhard hadn’t shared a bedroom since Astrid’s birth. Astrid had been a difficult baby and Johanna had refused to leave her during the nights. It had been a source of argument between her and Gerhard in the early years, but she had stood her ground and separate rooms had become the status quo. And then the war came.

“I’ll choose a room later.” She turned to Kohl. “Have my luggage left at the top of the stairs on the same floor as the kommandant’s room.”

He bowed his head. “There are also boxes of photographs and personal belongings in the hallway, Frau Neumann. We didn’t know which rooms they should go in.”

“Thank you, Kohl. I’ll take a look. Have one of the men made available to move them, please.”

He bowed his head again. “Would you like me to show you around, Frau Neumann?”

“No, that won’t be necessary.” Johanna wanted to take in the house alone, as she did when appreciating works of art. Maybe she could warm to the place a bit if she could get a sense of its history.

He saluted, instructed one of the soldiers to wait in the hall, and entered the house. The remaining soldiers saluted Johanna as she walked past them and in through the front door.

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