Page 21 of Love in the Shadows

Frau Neumann appeared suddenly behind them as they were about to head out the door. She went to the fridge and took out a bottle of Riesling and a jug of home-made berry cordial. She looked at Fabienne, then at Mamie. “Take these, celebrate together.”

Mamie reached out hesitantly and took the offered gifts. “Thank you, Frau Neumann. That’s very kind.”

Frau Neumann nodded and went back into the dining room. “What shall I play next?”

It sounded to Fabienne as though she was trying to be cheerful for Astrid, although her voice had a strange, slightly broken lilt that touched Fabienne. She wished she could stay and listen to her play – wished they could just sit and talk, woman to woman.

Instead, she and her grandmother walked across the yard in silence and Mamie entered the cottage kitchen via the back door. Fabienne went to the woodshed and gathered the kittens inside her coat. When she entered the kitchen, Mamie had poured them both a glass of wine, and Nancy was sat at the table with a glass of cordial. The sweet sound of carols playing on the gramophone in the living room filled the space. Lit candles flickered on the tree. Just before midnight they would pray together, since the curfew stopped them celebrating with a traditional midnight mass in church.

Nancy finished her drink, leaving a ribbon of red across her lips. “That was amazing.”

She looked happy, and Fabienne wanted her to hold onto the feeling forever. “I’ve got something for you,” Fabienne said, unable to contain her excitement.

The two kittens popped their heads out of the top of her coat. Nancy’s face lit up, brighter than all the stars in the sky. She approached the kittens and gently stroked their tiny heads, her smile beaming as they started to purr.

Fabienne’s heart swelled with love. There was no better feeling than this, and if it turned out to be their last Christmas, it would be the most memorable one.

10.

ON CHRISTMAS DAY, JOHANNA and Astrid had built a snowman in the garden under the steady gaze of Hauptmann Müller. The nights were freezing; the days a little less so. The snowman, like everything else in her life, hadn’t changed in the week since. Gerhard worked late and returned home in a bad mood. Astrid sought solace with Lakritze, and Johanna waited for the war to end. She would be happy when the clock struck midnight and they could start a new year. It wouldn’t be long before Christmas was forgotten altogether. After all, there was too little of anything positive to remember it by.

She didn’t want to leave Astrid while she and Gerhard went to the generalmajor’s house for dinner, not this evening nor any evening. She tugged her daughter to her and held her tightly. She kissed her cheek and toyed with her hair, kissed her cheek again and didn’t want to let her go. “You will be a good girl for Nanny.”

Tears welled behind her eyes, and the base of her throat was beginning to ache. It was only for one evening, just for a few hours, but the thought of being separated from Astrid even for a moment in this place, so far from their home, filled her with dread.

Astrid started to cry. “I’m scared, Mutter.”

Johanna swallowed past the lump in her throat and tugged her to her chest and squeezed her. “You’ll be safe here. We won’t be back late.”

Astrid pulled away from her and ran to the corner of her bedroom. She sat with her back to the wall, tucked her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Lakritze ran towards her and pounced on her hand. She ignored him. He purred and nuzzled her leg. “What if something happens to you?”

Johanna knelt in front of her. She wiped the tears from her daughter’s cheeks. “Nothing is going to happen to us, my darling. We will have a guard with us and there will be more guards at the generalmajor’s house.”

“But it’s so dark here at night, and Hauptmann Müller is always angry.”

“Nanny will stay with you. She’s the one who looks after you. Hauptmann Müller is here to watch over the house, so you can feel safe with them both protecting you.”

Astrid looked at her with pleading eyes. “Can Fraulein Brun stay here until you get back?”

Johanna would like that. She would feel more settled knowing Astrid was in the Frenchwoman’s care. Nanny was a good tutor, but she was too strict when dealing with Astrid’s emotions, and Müller Johanna disliked intensely and did not trust. “That’s not possible. You have Lakritze to play with and then it will be time for bed.”

A kitten was a poor substitute for a trusted and kind-hearted adult, but she was sure that as soon as Astrid’s head hit the pillow she would sleep soundly.

Johanna would rather go to bed and be alone than go to the generalmajor’s house, where she was expected to behave like an obedient soldier, lacking in intelligent opinions, and blindly exalting praise for the Führer. It was evident from the dramatic change in her husband, and Müller’s aggressive manner, that things would never be the same again. The grief that they were living with daily, that would hit them even harder at the end of it all when they returned home and tried to get back to normal, was too profound for her to articulate, and she was probably more broken by it than Astrid. How could she help her daughter when she didn’t know how to deal with it herself?

Johanna stood up and ruffled her hair. “Will you come and get some dinner?”

Astrid shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

“I’ll have Nanny bring you a slice of bread and jam, and as a treat you can eat it in your room.”

Astrid shrugged.

“I promise, we’ll be back before you know it.”

Astrid stroked Lakritze, seemingly ignoring her. Getting mad with Astrid’s defiance wouldn’t help; she was reacting this way because she needed to feel loved and safe.

Johanna kissed her head and held her limp body tightly. She left the bedroom with a deep ache in her chest. As she started down the stairs, Müller lingered in the foyer. She didn’t like the way he looked at her.

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