Page 101 of The Bodyguard

“That’s the ideal scenario.” I nod.

“But I did it in spite of them.”

“That a girl.” I smile.

“I know many others have had a much worse upbringing than I had. I don’t mean to sound selfish.”

Fuck that.

“Hey. Emotional abuse is invisible. Not less than.” I take her chin. “And narcissists are brilliant at making you feel like your feelings aren’t justified. So I’m calling bullshit on that. It’s not a competition in life to see who is the worst off and only that person can justify their pain.”

I watch the wheels of her pretty little mind working.

“Some days I don’t know how I got here. I really don’t. I dug deep within myself to keep going, almost because I knew I needed to do it to survive. And then some of it was luck.”

I smile. “I don’t believe in luck.”

Savannah throws her leg over mine. “Why not?”

“I’ve seen too many things. Luck wasn’t present in those people’s lives. Not for a single second.”

Her green eyes trace my face, looking for more information.

“Tell me about the woman who died,” she finally says. “Did you love her?”

I shake my head.

“No. She was an informant.” I frown. “I can’t tell you too much.”

“I understand.”

I lick my lip as my mind ticks, going back to that time.

“She trusted me. What she was doing was extremely dangerous, and I told her we would protect her. Which was fucking stupid.”

“But you meant it.”

“Yes,” I meet her eyes. “I meant it and if I could go back in time, I would still mean it. The choice wasn’t mine, but there were things I could have foreseen.”

“Because you’re psychic?”

I shake my head. “Don’t. I know what you are doing. She was my informant. I worked with her every few days for nearly three months. She was a mother and a daughter. An aunt. She loved her family and hated the world she lived in.”

With her help, we could have uncovered a terrorist cell and saved thousands of lives. But that never happened.

I don’t know how she was found out, and I never will. I’ve gone over every communication we had and searched for the moment I fucked up.

I haven’t found it.

That hasn’t changed how I feel.

“I couldn’t tell her much about my life, but she knew a little bit. It’s necessary to gain their trust. So she thought we were friends and...you know the brain is complex. I cared about her. You can’t not after getting that close to someone over months and months. Unless you’re a sociopath.”

“You couldn’t. You’re a good man, Ryder.” Savannah runs her fingers over my skin.

“I’m not that good. I’ve killed. You need to remember that.”

“To protect. To stay alive.”

---