Page 116 of Fearless Sinner

I’m going to get Chloe back. And I don’t just want forever with her.

I want everything. I want eternity and whatever I can get my hands on for as long as time lasts.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chloe

I spray some cleaning solution over the kitchen counter and wipe it with my cloth. It’s already been cleaned, but Luis always likes to do a quick clean of the kitchen before the day begins.

He’ll be happy that I did it for him today. I’ve been at Ricci’s for the last two hours cleaning places like the kitchen that were already clean and rearranging things that didn’t need to be rearranged.

This is day two of being without Cillian. Tonight will mark three nights, then I suppose time will just keep ticking by like it has been. Fast at times, slow at others. Regardless of the pace, I’ll still be the tortured woman. Cillian O’Ridian will always live in my heart, body, mind, and soul.

He’ll be no different from the beats of my heart, the blood flowing through my veins, the thoughts in my mind, and the emotions swirling deep within my soul.

That is my truth, and I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

When I walked away from Cillian at the restaurant the other night, I was already falling apart. Since then, I’ve drifted deeper into that despair that took me when Jessica laid down her rude awakening.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to find my way back to gaining some sense of stability of mind where I can find the strength to move on.

I certainly won’t be able to do it when I feel like Cillian is watching me. I felt his eyes on me yesterday when I was at the studio. That’s probably why I danced the way I did.

I overdid it. But I couldn’t help it. Dancing is my way of coping. I danced my emotions out when my father was dying, and I tried to do the same when Nathan battered me to near death. When my body couldn’t move around after he broke my legs, I nearly lost my mind.

Now that I can dance again, my former default coping strategy has returned, but I did so much yesterday that my legs ached like a bitch when I woke up this morning. That’s why I came here.

I finish the counter and move on to the island in the center, where Luis likes to chop the vegetables. When I start cleaning, the door opens and Roxanne walks in.

She frowns when she sees me, but I ignore her. She’s not mad at me for leaving Cillian the way I did. She’s mad that I’m working my fingers to the bone to try and forget him.

Like now.

“What are you doing here so early?” She walks over to me and taps a perfectly manicured fingernail on the countertop.

I meet her stern eyes. “It’s not that early.”

“It’s seven in the morning. Liam says you’ve been here since five.”

“Liam talks too much.”

“Maybe so, but perhaps—like the rest of us—he also thinks you’re overdoing it. Wouldn’t it be better to talk to Cillian?”

“Absolutely not. He told me everything he needed to say. There’s nothing more to say to each other.” It hurts my heart to admit that.

“I don’t believe you. You can’t tell me that it’s over.”

“I just did. Roxanne, you have no idea what it felt like to discover that Nathan wasn’t the man I fell in love with. It crushed me, and I had to dig my way out of hell. Then I realized he never loved me.”

“Cillian isn’t like Nathan. He loves you.”

“Not choosing to fight for us, and that love, is the same disappointment. Why in hell am I going to be an idiot and wait until the end? By then, it will be harder, and I’ll feel so much worse than I already do. At least this way, I have time to adjust.”

“Do you think you’ll ever adjust?” Her frown deepens.

My shoulders sag and my heartbeats speeds up. I look away from her and over to the shelf that holds the array of spices. All the thoughts in my mind collide when I think of the answer to her question, and I can’t even bring myself to tell her no.

“I have to try. I have to. What else can I do?” I look back at her and take in the sadness in her eyes. “It was good while it lasted, but this is it. This is all it can be, and I have to be okay with that, even if I know I won’t.”

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