Page 22 of Cheater

“I’ve taken the opportunity to think about it. That’s what I agreed to do. I’ve never, not ever in my life met some guy at a bar and hooked up with him the same day. Never.”

“Whatever.” He repositions himself so I’ve got his back.

I stare for a minute in shock.

“Adam,” I snap.

“I’m tired, Chloe.”

“This is bullshit!” I snap. “Fucking bullshit!”

He doesn’t make a move to look at me. He says nothing, so I repeat, “Bullshit,” as I grab my pillow and storm out to go sleep on the couch.

Fifteen minutes or so later, I’m flicking the channels irately and needlessly, because I wouldn’t be able to focus on the TV even if I found the most amazing program ever created.

Adam rolls out and stops in front of me. “I’m sorry,” he says.

My eyes search his face. I don’t know what to make of all this. It’s like I don’t even know him anymore.

“You do realize we’re fighting because you’re mad that I didn’t fuck someone this weekend, right?”

“I just… Chloe… this is gonna sound screwed up but if you’d do it, then I can get through the mental shit attached to it.”

“Are you serious with me right now?” I sit up and gawk at him in shock.

He drags his hand through his hair frustratedly. “I know how it sounds and I’m sorry. But all weekend I was trying to come to terms with this. All weekend. Then you come home and tell me you didn’t do it, which means I get to keep waiting for the shoe to drop so I can figure out if I’m gonna be okay with it. ”

“If you’re gonna be…” I tilt my head. “You? This… this is just all about you, is it? Do you realize you’re bullying me into doing something that’s out of character for me and you want me to hurry up and do it so that you can figure out if you’re okay with it?”

He looks away with remorse before he responds. “And you. You’ve gotta figure out if you’re okay with it, too. It’s late. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Come back to bed. I’m sorry, okay?”

“No. Let’s talk about it now,” I amend. “I wanna know… what was all that when I got home? The playfulness. The sweet kiss. The ass swat. Was that all for show? For the guys? Not for me?”

He says nothing, just grinds his teeth.

“Yeah. That there?” I point at him. “That behavior tonight when I got home after being gone for forty-eight hours? That’s the kind of thing I’d be happy with. A nice kiss. Playfulness. Looking at me like I’m more than your fucking roommate.”

He looks like I’ve struck him. The pain etched into his features hurts me, too. “So… you want me to fake it?”

I huff. “Wow, Adam. Just wow.”

“Explain yourself, Chloe.”

“You faked it tonight for them, you can’t fake it once in a blue moon for me? Sadly, though, I wouldn’t call it faking it. I’d call it trying to be supportive, affectionate, and caring to your partner. Trying to give them some intimacy. But what do I know, right? I’m the selfish one. Right? Because I want to feel wanted. Because I didn’t run out and cheat the minute you gave me permission like a goddamn machine.”

He shakes his head with disgust. “You don’t know what I’m going through. You can’t possibly imagine what I’m going through, Chloe.”

“I know,” I say softly. “I’ve tried really hard, Adam, but I can’t know what you’re going through. All I know is that I’ve been trying really hard to be everything you want, everything you need, everything I think I’d want if I were the one in your position. And that’s all I can keep doing. I know you’re still going through it and I’m not trying to add to your stress, which is why I told you to forget the whole thing. Why I apologized to you for the vibrator incident. I fucked up. And I apologize for it.”

“But I’ve told you… I’ve told you that I don’t want to fake it. I need to wrap my head around how my life’s gonna be. And I want you beside me for it. I do. I want that as much as I did before.”

“Do you?” I ask, tearfully, feeling like my chest is about to cave in.

“Absolutely. I love you.”

“I love you, too. But I don’t need to cheat on you. I just need you to put in a little effort with me. I know it’s hard with all you’ve got going on, but I’m just asking for a little bit of effort.”

“Please, honey,” he pleads, “Try. Try it my way. Use the hall pass sometime in… say… the next two weeks. If you can, if you find someone to do that with, we’ll talk about it again in two weeks. Two weeks from tonight, you tell me you’ve done it and then we’ll both take the week after that to see how we feel about it. See how we both feel about setting a wedding date.”

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