Page 75 of Penalty to the Heart

“How’s he doing?” Nathan asks as we approach the end of the session.

“Who?” I feign ignorance.

“Come on, Doc. You know who I’m talking about. Caleb. How is he? Are you getting through to him? Is he getting better at all?”

“You know I’m not at liberty to discuss another patient’s progress,” I remind him.

“Does that mean he’s not?”

“Nathan…”

“I know, I know. You can’t talk about it,” he grumbles in frustration.

“No, I can’t. But I can see that it’s weighing on your mind. So what I can do is talk to you about how you feel. I know the two of you were close until the accident caused a rift between you.”

“I didn’t expect it to.” He looks downcast. “But yeah. It has.”

“Do you know why?”

“I guess…” he struggles to say, “I was just angry at him. I’ve been angry at him for quite some time now.”

“And why do you think that is? Where did this anger stem from?” I insist, wanting Nathan to make sense of his complicated feelings towards his friend.

“I’m ashamed to say it,” he replies with his head bowed down.

“Safe space, Nathan. Remember?”

“I know,” he mutters, his left leg twitching nervously, a sure sign that his anxiety is spiking just by talking about it. “It just… it just makes me feel like shit to admit that I… that I…”

“That you blame him for what happened to Jack.” I finish for him since it’s obvious he can’t.

When his shoulders slump, and his head bows even lower, too ashamed to look me in the eye, I know I’ve hit the nail on the head.

“I don’t want to blame Caleb. I mean, if I’m being rational about it, Jack was the one driving carelessly that night. Not Caleb.”

“True. But Caleb isn’t the one in a coma fighting for his life—Jack is.”

“Yeah,” Nathan admits ashamedly. “Caleb makes for an easy target, doesn’t he? And I was all too quick to blame him. The fuck kind of friend does that.”

This time, I remain silent, letting Nathan, by himself, make peace with his own actions.

“This whole thing fucking sucks. I know he’s hurting. He didn’t need to lash out at everyone for me to know that. I should have been his friend, and instead, I turned my back on him.”

“There’s always time to make amends,” I console.

“Right. Amends. I’m not too good with those, Doc, as you well know.”

“I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You’ve come a long way since you walked through my office doors last year. I’m sure if you open your heart to Caleb and tell him exactly how you feel, he’ll understand.”

He scoffs at that.

“Donovans are stubborn assholes. Not sure Caleb would accept my apology even if I tried.”

“And have you? Tried to talk to him, I mean?” I question further.

Nathan shakes his head.

“Like I said, I’m all messed up when it comes to him. I love the asshole. But…”

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