Page 64 of Penalty to the Heart

But noooooooo.

I can’t do that.

Not when I’ve been instructed by God himself—aka my GM—not to touch a drop of alcohol.

Or at least pretend that I don’t, whenever he’s watching.

And since his girlfriend is now standing next to me, the fucker is definitely watching.

A quick scan through the crowded room and I instantly glimpse a pair of black eyes aimed right at me. But Trent’s gaze isn’t the only one I see, attentively scrutinizing my every move. Nate is watching me, too. The fucker hasn’t said a word to me all day, but now I find myself at the very center of his attention.

“I read somewhere that a child’s first memory only occurs when they turn three,” Lottie says out of the blue, her poor attempt to lighten my foul mood.

“Lucky Fiona. Cara, not so much,” I grumble, giving both women the stink eye, making sure that their significant others see me do it.

“Don’t be rude. Lottie didn’t mean anything by it. She’s just trying to make conversation,” Piper is quick to defend.

“Yeah, well, I’m not in the talking mood. So run along back to your men, ladies. I’m sure their company is better than mine. Excuse me.”

“Caleb,” I hear Piper call out, but I’m already gone.

Needing a fucking break from everyone, I head to the one place in the house that Jack, Erin, and I always liked to hide whenever they threw a party in their home. But as soon as I enter the kitchen, I realize I’m not the only one with the same idea. I frown, watching Erin sitting on the cold tile floor, her back up against the lower cupboards, looking completely drained from the day spent pretending to be the perfect hostess.

“Are you okay?” I ask after sitting down beside her.

“No,” she whispers back. “Not really.”

“Yeah, I figured.” I let out a loud exhale, giving her leg a little tap with mine.

“I think this party might have been a bad idea,” Erin confesses on an exhausted note.

“No, E. It wasn’t. You were just trying to make the girls happy. You’re a good mom.”

“Lately, I don’t feel like one,” she says sullenly, rubbing her pregnant belly. “I feel like a failure.”

“Well, you’re not, so cut that shit out.”

“Aren’t I, though?” she asks, her eyes starting to well up with tears. “I don’t know how to do this without him, Caleb. I just don’t.”

“I know. I know,” I repeat softly, warping my arm around her shoulders. “But hey, you still got me. Now I know it’s not the same thing. Fuck, if I don’t know that shit. But I’m here. I’m fucking here, E. So, tell me how I can make this better for you. Just tell me what you need.”

She leans her head on my chest, trying her utmost best to stifle her sobs.

“I need Jack, Caleb. That’s all I ever needed. That’s all my girls need, too. Just their father.”

I feel my heart sink at her words.

Because I know that no matter how hard I try, I’ll never be able to fill the large hole left by Jack’s absence.

And most of all, I don’t want to.

Jack… was… is Jack.

I’d just be a poor man’s imitation even if I tried.

Still, I hate seeing Erin like this.

Fucking hate that I’m responsible for such grief.

---