Page 59 of Penalty to the Heart

“You know there is a very real chance that Jack might just make it.”

“If he can’t play hockey, then he’s as good as dead.”

“Is that how you feel? About your own circumstances? That once you have this other knee surgery, there is a real chance you won’t be able to play like you used to, so what’s the point of living?”

When he frowns, I know that’s exactly what he believes.

Lenny is one of my most troubled cases, and sometimes I fear that he’ll do something to himself because he can’t see a life unless hockey is at the very center of it.

“Lenny?” I call out his name when he goes silent for too long.

“You know what? I’m a little tired. Mind if we take a raincheck on the game?” he says, placing his cards down on the table and turning on the bed, away from me.

“Lenny, remember I’m here to help. And for me to do that, we need to have honest discourse between us.”

“I get it, Roxanne. I do. But right now, I’m too tired to think, much less talk.”

My shoulders slump while continuing to stare at his back.

“Okay, Lenny. Whatever you want,” I concede, a little disheartened.

I pack my things and walk over to the door.

“Same time tomorrow?”

He nods, eyes closed.

Dispirited, I walk out of his room, saddened that I went another day without getting through to him. As much as I try to help, Lenny’s depression is getting worse. And I’m not sure it will improve after his third knee surgery next week. I’ve talked to his surgeon, Dr. McCarthy, and though she remains optimistic, she doesn’t believe that Lenny will ever be able to play at a professional level again.

And if I know this, then so does he.

With my mind occupied with ways I can help Lenny, I walk aimlessly about the hospital halls and stumble upon Jack Donovan’s room.

Call it morbid curiosity.

Call it a moment of insanity.

Call it whatever you want, but when I see no nurses or doctors in the hall, I do the unimaginable and sneak into the one room I have no business being in.

“This is so wrong. What the hell are you thinking, Roxanne?” I chastise myself as I quickly close the blinds to avoid being seen.

When I turn around to face Jack, the first thing I register is the loud beeping sounds of all the machines surrounding him. One monitors his heartbeat, another monitors his brain activity, and the last one feeds oxygen into his lungs.

It’s all so… frightening.

Ever so slowly, I walk over to this stranger—one that oddly feels like I’ve already met—lying on a hospital bed, completely unaware of my presence.

“Hi, Jack,” I say as my eyes scan his face.

There are a few similarities to Caleb, which is to be expected, but it still takes me aback a little to see it. Though I know he’s only a few years older than his brother, time spent in the hospital has made him look even older than his twenty-eight years.

“We don’t know each other, but I’ve heard so many great things about you,” I say, saddened to see such a force of nature being taken down in his prime. “You don’t know this, but I’m trying very hard to help your brother come to terms with what happened to you. But we’ve been off to a rough start, unfortunately. I’m having a bit of trouble getting through to him, which I’m sure you can relate to,” I add. “But there’s just something about him, isn’t there? Something that just compels you to want to help him, even when he refuses.” I smile.

“One thing I know is that he loves you very much. So much, in fact, that he no longer recognizes his place in the world without you,” I lament, feeling a pang in my chest. “And he does have a place, you know? He just has to find it… by himself. And I think… that’s what scares him most of all. That now, he doesn’t have you to guide him. To show him the way. He’s going to have to trust his own instincts, which is difficult for him to do since, throughout his life, he was told they were no good. I don’t want to assume that you had a hand in causing that insecurity. As my patient Lenny likes to say, my money is on your father.” I sigh. “Anyway, I guess I just came in here to tell you that I’ll do my very best to look after him in my own way.”

“What are you doing here?” I hear Caleb call out behind me.

Oh no.

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