Page 138 of Penalty to the Heart

“Okay.” I nod, tapping into all the mixed-up feelings I have inside me. “I guess I’m pissed with Erin because she shouldn’t be saying that shit to the girls. It will only confuse their little heads. I mean, Fiona is just one, so she doesn’t know what’s happening, but Cara does. She’ll remember this shit in the future. And it’s not fucking right, Roxie. Erin being all cavalier in front of my nieces about Jack’s current circumstances doesn’t sit right with me.”

Roxanne listens attentively while lacing her fingers with mine on my thigh.

“You said that you also felt confused and sad about the whole situation. Why?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” I frown. “I have no idea how to help Erin, and I hate to be the one who put her in this position in the first place, having to lie to her girls.”

“Okay, let’s unpack what you just said while also trying to put ourselves in Erin’s shoes, shall we?” she offers. “Your anger is justified since you want to shelter your nieces, but so is Erin’s need to prevent them from experiencing such pain and suffering. As a parent, it is her prerogative to decide how she wants to handle the whole situation. If she prefers to delay the heartache of telling her daughters the truth, then you have to accept it.”

“Even if I know it’s wrong?”

“Who says it’s wrong?” she counters patiently.

“Are you kidding me right now? Of course, it is. She’s in fucking denial.”

“Yes, that can be the case here, but have you considered that maybe Erin isn’t in denial but just prefers to cling to hope instead?”

“Hope.” I scoff at the double-edged-sword word.

“Yes, Caleb. Hope. It can be a comfort in such cases. Maybe that’s all your sister-in-law has right now. And maybe the kindest thing you could do for her is try not to take it away,” she explains, giving my hand a little squeeze. “You said that you’re confused about how to help her, but it sounds like she already told you what she needs from you. All she’s asking is for you to stand by her side and let her deal with her current circumstances the best way she knows how. The only way she feels is acceptable to her.”

“And what if I can’t do that?”

“Then you have to respect her wishes of not being around her and her girls until you can.”

“Nothing you’re saying is making me feel any better,” I complain, gaining another soft smile from her.

“Then I guess you won’t like what I’m about to ask you next either. You said that you feel responsible for putting Erin in a position where she feels like she has to lie to her daughters. Does that mean you still feel responsible for your brother’s accident?”

“You know I do.”

“Why?”

“Are you kidding me right now?” I pull my hand away from hers so I can stand up. “You know why. I’ve told you what happened a million times before. Do we really need to hash it all out again?”

To her credit, Roxanne remains cool and calm even when she can tell my blood is boiling.

“Fair enough. Then how about I give you my own two cents about the whole ordeal.”

“Roxie—”

“From what you’ve told me about your brother, he doesn’t strike me as the kind of man who would do something he didn’t want to. So, if we take that into account, it was Jack’s choice to pick you up that night. It was his choice to get behind the wheel of a car he hadn’t had any experience driving before. It was his choice to go over the speed limit just to mess with you, as you had mentioned in our sessions. All I see are choices made by a man who knew his own mind.”

“You’re twisting it all up. That’s not how it happened.”

“No?” She arches a brow. “Did you physically force your brother to pick you up?” My forehead creases at the oversimplified question. “Did you blackmail him into getting into the car?” I ball my hands into two fists and frown at her. “Did you put a gun to his head to force him to speed through the streets, which ultimately provoked the crash? No. You did not. All these choices were made by your brother. Yes, none of them were with the intent of getting into an accident, but every choice was still made by Jack and Jack alone.”

“You’re distorting everything,” I accuse, pissed for her putting the blame on Jack instead of me.

“Am I? Or are you so married to your guilt and suffering that you refuse to accept that sometimes accidents just happen? There is no rhyme or reason for it, save for the fact that life can sometimes be cruel in its design. No matter how safe we play it, there are certain aspects that we can’t just control. The only thing we can do is accept the cards that have been dealt to us in the best way we can. Erin is doing just that. And you should be, too.”

“Are you really going to sit there and give me a lecture about being married to guilt and suffering? This from the woman who refuses to acknowledge her feelings for me because she thinks it will be some sort of betrayal to a man who is no longer here to fight for her.”

“That’s not fair,” she quips.

“Fair? You want to talk about fairness, Roxie? Fair would have been Jack not being in a coma right now because of me. Fair would have been me still playing for the Guardians, with Jack beside me. Fair would have been me falling in love for the first time in my life with a woman who could actually love me back instead of being imprisoned by the memories of a life she no longer has. None of this shit is fair, Roxie. None of it!”

“You know what? I don’t have to stay here and listen to this,” she says, packing up her things frantically. “This was my spot, Caleb. My spot. And you ruined it.”

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