Page 134 of Penalty to the Heart

Not wanting to think about my brother’s weird fetishes, I continue on with my report.

“Mom is good, I think. We haven’t talked in a while, so I can’t be too sure.” I shrug, not wanting to go into that too much. “The team is doing better than good. They’re just one game away from winning the Eastern Conference. Looks like we’re going to make the Stanley Cup playoffs after all. You can thank Nate and Bellamy for that one,” I mumble, saddened about not being a part of that accomplishment, thanks to my own fucking temper.

“Hmm, what else?” I add, scanning his face for some reaction, my shoulders slumping when there is none. “Well, I guess I should tell you the real reason why I needed to see you tonight.” I smile weakly. “I kind of met a girl. Actually, fuck that. She’s not a girl—she’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever known. Now I know what you’re thinking. I meet loads of women. But this one is… Roxie… is different. She’s special. Like really fucking special, Jack. To put it in terms you can understand, she’s Erin-special. Get it now?” I let out an exhale, my chest tightening at the confession I just made. “And before you say it, no, I’m not drunk. And no, I didn’t hit my head anywhere.” I chuckle. “I mean it. Roxie is… fuck. There are no words for her, Jack. All I know is that I feel good when I’m around her. She makes me feel seen. Heard. Fucking understood. I feel like a grown-up when I’m around her.” I chuckle again. “Yeah, it took me by surprise, too. I never met anyone who I’d want to grow up for. I didn’t even think it was possible. But she does. She makes me want to do better. Be better,” I explain, picturing her face in my mind.

“I wish you could meet her, Jack. She’s fucking gorgeous. With big amber eyes and the prettiest lips you have ever seen on a woman. Whenever she talks, I just stare at her eyes. They’re fucking hypnotic. But she’s more than just a pretty face and a rocking body, and believe me, her body is so off the charts, it’s fucking ridiculous. It’s her mind that’s such a fucking turn-on. Yeah, you heard me—I fell hard for a brainiac. Go fucking figure?” I laugh, my heart pounding in my chest as I describe my Roxie to my brother. “I shit you not, Jack, she’s that fucking smart. She loves using big words on the daily, which I have to mentally jot down most of the time just so I can look them up later to find out their meaning. But she’s never made me feel stupid or less than when I’m with her. In fact, she makes me feel smarter than I really am. Like she believes I can keep up with any conversation that she springs up on me. That I have it in me.” I smile warmly.

“If you haven’t guessed it already, I’m so gone for this woman. Like I’m madly, deeply in love with her,” I confess, feeling my heart break a little bit that he might not even be listening to me. “I don’t know, Jack. I’m not sure I should feel this way with you lying here. A part of me feels it’s wrong to fall in love right now. That I shouldn’t be happy because of you being here. I guess I’m still the same selfish prick as I always was, huh?” I mumble, discontent with the realization of bragging about my love life when his life is all but fleeting.

“Fuck. This is so unfair. This shit… it’s fucking killing me. I need you, Jack. Erin and the girls fucking need you. Just wake up, okay? Just do what you have to do and wake the fuck up,” I repeat a bit too aggressively.

“I know it’s fucking selfish, and I know I’m the worst of the worst asking you for this, but I need you to come back to the land of the living so you can meet the woman I’m falling in love with. You hear me, Jack?” I beg as tears start to blur my vision when my brother doesn’t so much as stir in his bed.

I’m talking to a ghost.

And I hate it.

I fucking hate it.

Sorrow gives way to anger as rage starts bubbling in my veins with every second he doesn’t open his eyes.

I stand up and lean into him.

“Enough of this shit. Wake up, Jack!” I say, holding onto his shoulders. “I said wake the fuck up!”

But again, all I’m met with is the beeping sounds of the various machines surrounding him.

“Jack, get up! Now!” I shout in his face. “I’m fucking serious. I need you. I fucking need you. GET UP!” I yell before swinging the chair across the room.

Two nurses rush into the room in the middle of my little rampage, trying to expel me from my brother’s bedside.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” I growl at the male nurse, slapping his hands away before he tries to forcefully pull me out of the room. “I’m leaving. I’m leaving.”

Tears stream down my cheeks as I take one more glance over at my brother’s motionless body.

He doesn’t move.

He doesn’t speak.

He probably doesn’t even know that I’m here.

It’s all one long, empty dream to him.

Not wanting to stare at the lifeless body that once carried my brother’s soul, I turn around and leave.

It’s only when I get to my car that my tears fall without restraint.

I thought I was getting better, but apparently, I’m not.

Not when it comes to Jack.

I sit there in silence, just waiting for my anger to simmer down.

Half of me wants to go back to Roxie’s so she can make the pain go away. But the other half—the one that tells me I don’t deserve one ounce of happiness—orders me to start the car and go back to Jack’s to see what my selfish actions have done.

To see the gaunt look on Erin’s face…

To witness the look of confusion in his daughters’ eyes when they can’t find their daddy anywhere.

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