Page 113 of Penalty to the Heart

“I… I…” he struggles to say, holding onto my shoulders while looking down at me with tears in his eyes. “I… almost lost him today.”

I don’t ask him who he’s referring to since such misery could have only been provoked by something terrible happening to his brother.

“It’s okay.” I hush. “Just tell me what happened.”

His mouth opens, but no words come out at first. Then, in a hoarse and broken voice, he whispers, “I went to see him tonight, like I always do, but…”

“But?” I continue to probe in a gentle tone and begin to unbuckle his belt, my eyes trained on his.

“Halfway through my visit… Jack… he… had a seizure.”

Realization finally dawns on me why Caleb’s in this manic state. Seeing his beloved brother going through such an ordeal and being powerless to help him must have been terrifying.

“I… almost lost him,” he repeats in anguish as if reliving that nightmarish experience all over again.

“But you didn’t,” I say, staring deep into his green eyes.

“Not yet, but I will. We all know it,” he says, his grip on my shoulders tightening as if holding onto me is the only way to tether him to the present.

“Look at me, Caleb,” I order, cupping his face in my palms and tilting his head down to me.

“I can only imagine how scary tonight must have been for you. I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone. But you did not lose your brother tonight. Jack is alive. He is very much alive.”

His eyes sparkle with more unshed tears.

When he goes mute on me again, I pull down his wet pants and boxers, making sure to always look into his eyes instead of the naked man before me. I then do my best to dry his upper body and hair with a towel, leaving the bottom half for him to master. Once I’m happy that he’s dry enough to put some clothes on, I turn around to pick them up off the hamper where I placed them earlier, only to stop midway when Caleb grabs hold of my elbow.

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” he admits with a sob.

“I promise you, one day you won’t,” I comfort, praying I’m telling him the truth.

“I’m not sure I’ll survive another day like this. I can’t,” he confesses. “Help me, Roxie. Please. Just help me,” he begs, his voice strangled with so much pain that fills up the room.

“I’m trying,” I reply, placing my hands on his bare chest. “But you need to let me in. You need to let the people you love in to remind you that you’re not as lost as you think you are.”

“I’ve pushed everyone away.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, Caleb,” I say, grabbing his face with my hands again. “I’m still here. I’ll never leave you.”

“Do you mean that?”

I nod.

“Then help me forget, Roxie. Help me feel something different than this pain. Make me feel anything else. Please.”

His gaze digs into mine, my chest constricting with it.

“Caleb,” I manage to say, an empty plea of caution to what I see in his eyes. “Don’t,” I whisper, dropping my hands from his cheeks.

“Don’t what?” he says, grabbing my wrists and planting my palms on his bare chest.

“I can’t help you like that.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

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