Page 30 of Penalty to the Heart

When I feel the lump in my throat rise and the corner of my eyes starting to burn with unshed tears, I know my time is up.

“I’ll come and see you again tomorrow. Promise.”

I give his hand a tight squeeze and stand up from my seat, giving him one more glance.

“Love you, big brother. More than you will ever know.”

I then turn around and leave as fast as my feet allow. It’s only when I reach the hospital parking lot that I give way to my agony of seeing my brother like that.

Like a lifeless corpse ready to be buried.

Once I’ve reached a shadowy corner of the parking lot where my car is, tears cloud my vision as I reel my foot back and deliver the first of a series of kicks to its wheels. I shout and cry as I angrily pound my fists on the hood, causing more damage with each strike, uncaring for denting it even further.

I used to love cars.

Love them to the point of obsession.

Now, I fucking can’t stand the sight of them.

The only thing they’re good for is to let out all my anger on.

This is always how it goes.

I put up a good front all day, then fall apart the minute I leave his room and come to this parking lot. Once I’ve exhausted myself, I wipe the stray tears that stream down my cheeks with my sleeve and slide into my now-wrecked car.

“Pull yourself together, asshole,” I reprimand, flicking my gaze away from the rearview mirror.

I breathe in and out for a solid twenty minutes before I have the nerve to turn on the ignition to head over to Jack’s place.

This part of my day doesn’t get any easier either.

When I walk into my brother’s home half an hour later, the absent smell of food only adds to my sadness. Erin loves to cook, but ever since I took my brother away from her, the only meals she makes are for the girls and little else.

On lead feet, I bypass the kitchen and walk towards the spacious living room, finding Erin curled up on the couch with a blanket on top of her, staring into nothing.

“Hey,” I whisper, sitting beside her.

She gives me a curt nod, happy to continue to stare into the blank space in front of her.

“Where are the girls?”

“They’re already asleep,” she replies, her voice sounding hoarse from crying.

“Shit. I didn’t realize it was that late,” I say, quickly checking my phone to confirm the time—a quarter past eight, well past the girls’ bedtime.

“It’s okay.” Erin shrugs, still not looking at me. “I read them Goodnight Moon . They’ve been out for a while.”

Her words are devoid of all emotion, causing a physical ache in my chest.

“Have you eaten today?” I ask, wanting to snap her out of this fog she’s in.

“I don’t remember,” she admits absentmindedly.

“Okay. Let me make you something then,” I say, patting her knee before getting off the couch.

“I’m not hungry,” she says before drawing her knees up to her chest, unaware that she just gave me a perfect view of her face.

Damn it.

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