Page 218 of My Five Daddies

“Mickey, do you want to fuckme?”

He hesitates. “You’re pretty and all, but I have awife.”

“So you don’t want to fuckme?”

“No, Jackson. Idon’t.”

“Weird. Because I’m pretty sure you do, considering you’re lubing up myasshole.”

He laughs nervously again. “What are you talkingabout?”

“I know you want to drop me. I know the studio is thinking about killingBrutallyDishonest.”

He stares at me, clearly surprised, but he doesn’t deny it. I want to kick him in his rat face but I know I can’t do that. I have to keep my anger under control or else I’ll lose it all fornothing.

“Why?” I askhim.

He sighs. “You know why, Jackson.” He leans over and picks up his cigar, puffing away. “Let me ask you something. Why do you want to dothis?”

“Be an actor?” I shrug. “I don’treally.”

“Exactly. That’s exactly why I want to dropyou.”

“Because I don’t care about this job?” I raise an eyebrow at him. “I’ve done plenty of jobs that I didn’t want todo.”

“But this isn’t like that. Jackson, this world takes sacrifice and commitment. There’s a new guy coming up every single day and if you don’t work your ass off to compete, you’lldisappear.”

“And you think I can’t hack it,” Isay.

“You absolutely can,” Mickey replies, exasperated. “Sit down, damn it. You’re freaking meout.”

I hesitate a second before sitting on the end of the chair next to him. He sighs and puts his cigar backdown.

“Look, Jackson, you gotta play the game. The studio wants you to jump, you fucking do a backflip. Some producer wants his dick sucked, you choke on that cock. Know what I mean? You have to be willing to get down and dirty for thisthing.”

“And I’m not,” I saysimply.

“That’s right. You’renot.”

I can’t deny that he’s right. As soon as I was asked to do something that I didn’t want to do, I tried to fight it tooth and nail. Even when the studio tried to give me the benefit of the doubt, and Mickey told me what to do, I just ignored them and kept fighting. I made their lives harder instead of easier, and this business doesn’t take kindly tothat.

I can’t deny him that. “But still,” I say. “You said we’d befamily.”

“So the fuck what? You said you’d do whatever I told you to do, and you didn’t. We both brokepromises.”

I sigh. He’s right about that. I did tell him I’d listen to his counsel. “Still, Mickey, you’re going behind my back. You could have come to me like aman.”

“Hell no, I couldn’t have. You’re not being rational these days. I mean, going to a studio exec’s house? That’s crazy shit,Jackson.”

“So what now?” I ask him. “You’re dropping me and the movie’sdead?”

“No,” he says. “The movie might die. And I might drop you. I haven’t made up my mind yet. But you’re not doing yourself any favors coming to my house and trying to intimidate mehere.”

I watch him for a second and I realize that I’m disappointed. I realize that I wanted him to drop me. I wanted him to get rid of me, because that would mean that I’d be done. I wouldn’t have to keep being an actoranymore.

And that makes it all clear for me. Yes, I want to keep doing this job, but I also know I won’t sacrifice for it. I’ll do it on my terms or not at all, but that won’t work. I can’t make those two things happen. If I want to do this, I have to play the gameright.

I look at Mickey and I smile. “Sorry, man,” I say, standingup.

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