Page 26 of My Brother's Bad Best Friend

Lizzie

Istretch and roll onto my side, staring at the clock on the DVR. It’s after eleven in the morning, and I realize that I haven’t slept this late since before the accident.

I never sleep for this long. I can’t seem shake the jeering faces that drift up out from the deepest mires of my subconscious. I can’t seem to escape that moment, happening over and over again, Nathan’s skull scattering across the road.

Except last night, it didn’t happen. I sit up and stare at the floor, expecting a wave of revulsion, but there’s nothing. I’m not hungover, not even a little bit. In fact, I feel well-rested, better than I’ve felt in a long time.

I get off the couch and head into the kitchen. I make some coffee and for the first time in my life, I think I understand why people do drugs. Or at least I get why people smoke weed.

I return to my little nest with a mug before flopping down. I check my phone and note the missed calls from my mother early this morning. I consider calling her back, but what’s the point? I know myself, and I know I’m going to get upset with her again.

I lean back into the cushions and look around at the unfamiliar apartment, wondering what the hell I’m going to do with myself.

I have no friends. That’s not really an exaggeration. After my accident, my friends all avoided me like the plague, and some outright blamed for me what happened. ”You stupid bitch, if it weren’t for you, Nathan would still be alive.” Sylvia’s face drifts up from my memories, one of the many jeering dream-phantoms that normally torture me at night. She never once seemed happy that I survived, only miserable that Nathan was dead.

I blamed myself for what happened for a long time. When Sylvia said that to me, about three weeks after the accident, I didn’t argue. I completely agreed. My legs were useless and I was stuck in a hospital bed, but that wasn’t enough. I hadn’t paid enough.

It was raining and I was bored. We were at Jane’s parents’ place over at the north tip of La Jolla, this big, expansive mansion overlooking the ocean. The guys had been drinking steadily since early in the afternoon, but we had to move everything inside once the drizzle turned into a downpour.

The sun set and I had a couple vodka cranberries, listening to Sylvia complain about her housekeeper again, and I felt this inexplicable wave of misery. Looking back, it’s hard to explain, but I felt like my whole world was about to come crashing down.

“I gotta find Nathan,” I said to her, getting up abruptly. “Sorry, Syl. We’ll talk later.”

“Uh, whatever, sure.” She gave me a dirty look. I didn’t know she hated me at the time, but it’s obvious now.

I walked away and found Nathan working on another beer while playing beer pong with a few guys. I tugged his arm like a pathetic puppy dog. “Can we go talk?” I whispered in his ear.

“Hold on, can it wait? I’m winning.” His eyes were glazed, unfocused.

I shook my head, a whine creeping into my voice. When I think about the person I was back then, I can’t believe nobody punched me in the face and told me to grow the fuck up.

“Please? Let’s go for a drive, please? I need to get out of here.”

His eyes screwed up, looking at me. I knew he was drunk, but for the life of me, I have no clue what I was thinking begging him to go for a drive.

I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was bored and miserable and hated everyone, including myself. We were all so vapid, so empty. Parties, drinking, drugs. I didn’t touch the drugs, but I did everything else.

I got closer to him, whispered in his ear. “I’ll make it worth it.”

I want to throw up now, just thinking about that moment. His eyes lit up. I know he wanted me to suck his dick, probably while he was driving. That’s not what caused the accident, though. That was his fault, his stupid drunken fault, but I was the one that made us leave the party to begin with. It was my fault, all my fault.

At least that’s what I kept telling myself for a while. Eventually though, I came to an understanding. It wasn’t my fault, or at least not totally. Nathan should have known he couldn’t go for a drive. He should have thought a little bit, instead of getting all excited for a stupid blowjob. He risked his life for it, and in the end, it wasn’t worth it.

I wasn’t worth it.

I sigh and shake my head, pushing the memories away. It’s dangerously close to reliving the actual accident, and I’m not ready for that. I’m not sure I ever will be.

I force myself into the shower, washing away the bad memories. I try not to linger too long in there, since I feel like I’m invading foreign territory. Jonas’s beard trimmer, dental floss, and fingernail clippers are all neatly lined up along the sink, while my brother’s towel is thrown haphazardly into the corner.

I can picture Jonas stepping out of the shower, water running in little rivulets down his tattooed, muscular body. He reaches for his towel, but before he can cover himself, I step into the room, and—

I have to bite my bottom lip. I can’t be fantasizing about Jonas. I have a vague memory from last night, my brother being annoyed that Jonas and I got home late. The two men argued out on the porch and then… Jonas left? I frown a little bit. I thought I imagined all that in my drug-addled mind, but now it seems like it was real.

I get dressed and find myself back on the couch in my little nest, staring at the TV. I could easily waste the day like this watching old The Office reruns on Netflix, but Michael Scott’s not going to help figure out what I’m supposed to do with myself. I groan a little bit, forcing myself to my feet, and I head to the door. I decide to go to the only place that makes any sense right now: Half Pipe.

* * *

I’m sweatingwhen I finally spot the shop halfway down the block. I have to walk everywhere, since I don’t have a car and I don’t have any money for bus fare. It’s a real pain in the ass, not having any money. I slow my pace as I make my way toward the parking lot and realize that I recognize the car in the corner closest to me, in a little blind spot, tucked away from the shop itself. You’d only notice it if you approached from foot at this angle because of the way the trees and bushes flank the lot.

---