Page 29 of The Swap Masquerade

“He sounds like a smart man. Maybe you should listen to him once in a while. Second of all, you said ‘they’d lose.’”

When he didn’t say anything else, I turned to look at him. “What?”

“You said, and I quote, ‘I would have felt even worse if they’d lost’ like you aren’t a part of the team. Why is that?”

I sighed wearily. “Look, man. I’m too tired for your riddles. If you have something to say, please just say it.”

Adam turned and pulled his knee up onto the couch, so he was facing me. “Fine. You want me to be more specific? You’re Bradbury College’s golden boy, the star pitcher who could go all the way, and yet you talk about the team as if you’re not even a part of it. Look, I’m not trying to get on your case, I’m worried about you. We’ve lived together for years, and yet I feel like I barely know you. It’s like you only show me certain parts of yourself, but never the whole thing. And the real kicker is, you don’t just do it with me. You do it with everyone around you. You’ve got this wall up and you never let anyone get past it; not me, not Rachel, not even your teammates.”

I stared down at the arm of the couch, tracing the pattern with my finger as I tried to figure out how to respond. Adam had grown up poor, helping out at his father’s auto shop and learning the ropes. He was putting himself through college with the money he earned from his job at a nearby mechanic’s, shop which was why he could only afford to go to school part-time.

He often joked he wasn’t smart enough to finish college and would probably end up being a grease monkey the rest of his life, like his dad, but I knew he was much smarter than he gave himself credit for. He was sharp and he paid attention, noticing things most people didn’t. At the moment, however, I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

I must have taken too long because he let out a loud sigh and started to get up. I grabbed his wrist before he could walk away, and he turned to look down at me. “I’m sorry. You kind of caught me off guard and I wasn’t sure what to say. I’m not used to people actually…seeing me.”

The expression on his face softened and I breathed a sigh of relief when he sat back down. I liked Adam. He’d always been the closest thing I’d had to a real friend until Gavin came along. But with Gavin flaking on me, I couldn’t afford to lose anyone else. I stared at my roommate, my gut telling me I could trust him. My gut seemed to be letting me down lately, but I decided to listen to it one more time.

“You’re right. I do have a wall up and I don’t let very many people in. I didn’t mean to keep such a distance from you all these years, but it’s not easy for me to share…certain parts about myself.”

“Why don’t you give it a try? I mean it, open your mouth and just start talking. It can’t be good for you to keep everything locked up so tight and I promise you, you can trust me.” The sincerity in his eyes was impossible to argue with.

I turned, leaning my arm along the back of the couch so we were facing each other. Drawing in a deep breath, I started with the easiest of my two secrets. “I hate baseball.” Adam’s face registered shock but he stayed quiet, allowing me to continue. “Well, hate is a strong word, but I definitely don’t like playing it anymore. I used to, when I was a kid, but pressure from my dad and the coaches has kind of taken all the fun out of it, you know?”

“Then why do you keep playing?”

I shrugged. “Partly because of my dad. I don’t want to disappoint him even though I know I’m going to eventually. But mostly, it’s my scholarship. You know how expensive school is, but as long as I keep playing ball, my college is paid for.”

“That makes sense. I’d be willing to put up with about anything if it meant I could go to college for free.”

I gave him a rueful smile. “Crazy, isn’t it? You wish you could have something I have, but I wish I could be more like you.”

That seemed to surprise him, and he reared his head back. “In what universe would you want to be more like me? You’re popular, talented, and you know you’re good looking because you’ve got girls practically falling at your feet everywhere you go.”

I shook my head emphatically. “You don’t get it. You’re free. You get to do what you want, when you want to. You can eat whatever the hell you want and not worry that you’ll throw it all up the next day when your coach makes you run a hundred sprints. You get to be yourself wherever you go, and people love you for it. And you’ve got someone special in your life who you’re crazy about and who loves you back. I know there are still things you want out of life, but you’re also happy in the here and now. I don’t have any of that.”

He stared at me and I had never seen him look more serious. “Why don’t you date and why do you think you’re going to disappoint your dad? Why don’t you feel like you can be yourself, Elliott?”

I tried to swallow, but my mouth had gone bone dry, so I reached for another beer and chugged down half the bottle, bouncing my knee so hard it made the couch shake. Could I actually do it? Could I tell him the truth? If I did, he’d be the only person who knew everything. Tyrion and Gavin both knew a part of me, but no one in the world knew my whole truth.

Adam reached out and rested a hand on my leg which made me jump. I was strung so tight at that point, I felt like the tiniest thing might cause me to snap. Like a broken rubber band, no longer of any use. When he spoke, his voice was gentle, cautious, like he was trying to calm a wild animal. Which was probably how I looked right then. “Look, I think I already know the answer. I’ve suspected for a long time, but I want you to be the one to say it. I think it would do you good to say it out loud and I promise you, nothing bad is going to happen if you do.”

My eyes were brimming with tears as I slowly lifted them to meet his gaze. The look of total understanding on his face was enough to make my tears spill over and I choked on a sob. “I’m gay,” I whispered.

I could have sworn Adam’s eyes looked a little wet too. “Say it again, only louder this time.”

I cleared my throat. “I’m gay.”

“Again.”

“I’M GAY!” I said even louder.

We did that two more times until I was yelling loud enough to disturb the neighbors. We both doubled over with laughter, tears streaming down our faces. Only somehow, they’d turned into happy tears. He’d been right. I’d spoken my truth out loud and nothing bad had happened. He was still there and from the looks of things, he was perfectly fine with it.

“You’re really not upset or weirded out or anything?”

Adam huffed. “Why would I be? My cousin is gay. Kids used to pick on him a lot in school, but eventually, it got better.”

“What happened? Did they all become more understanding once they got older?”

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