Page 23 of New Hope

With my heart aching, I reached for him, no longer able to hold myself back. I covered his hand with my own and gently squeezed in a show of support. “God, that’s so fucked up. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but how could she keep something like that from you? Especially knowing you thought the two of you were actively trying to get pregnant. It just seems so cruel.”

“Exactly. At the time, I made excuses. I told myself she was just shocked or scared, that she was emotional because of hormones and she didn’t mean the things she was saying, but none of that explained why she’d been taking the pills in the first place. I know the truth now. Connie never wanted to be a mom because having a baby would get in the way of her dreams. The truth of the matter is, she never wanted any of it; marriage, kids, settling down and being a family. It never meant the same to her as it did to me. How could it if she was able to walk away so easily?”

I tilted my head in sympathy. “I wish I had an answer to that, but I don’t. The thought of walking away from Hannah, of not being a part of her life and watching her grow up…I could never do it. She’s everything to me, my whole world.”

“See? That’s the way I feel about Ellie. It’s the way most parents feel about their kids. That’s how I know Connie and I never belonged together. Our values and priorities were just too different. And it’s not simply because I wanted kids and she didn’t. It was all the lying and manipulating she did throughout it all. Like I said before, I’m all right now. I know without a doubt that I’m better off not being married to her and I finally understand it wasn’t some failure on my part that made her leave. I loved her the best way I could. She was the one incapable of returning that love. I only hate that Ellie was hurt so badly. That she’s still hurting.”

“She’s a terrific little girl. She deserves some peace in her life. You both do.”

“Thank you.” Ford smiled for the first time since the conversation began, his posture more relaxed than I’d ever seen it before, as if by sharing his story with me, it had taken some of the burden off his shoulders. I hoped so. “I do think moving here was the right thing to do. She’s not magically better, but she’s laughed more and smiled more in the last two months than she had over the whole last year. It’s a start and I have you and Hannah to thank for it.”

“Us?”

He nodded. “It’s true. Like I said, when we came here, she was barely talking, smiles were rare, and laughter was pretty much non-existent. The first time I heard my daughter laugh in over a year was that day in your office when you were teasing her about eating gross food.” We both chuckled at the memory.

Ford glanced down at his lap, and I realized I was still covering his hand with my own. I started to pull away, but he stopped me by covering my hand with his free one. He watched the movement of his thumb as it brushed over my knuckles. Goosebumps skittered across my skin, and I prayed he’d think it was just the cool night air that caused me to shiver.

His eyes held mine when he finally looked up and I could see the vulnerability swimming in their dark brown depths along with a heavy dose of gratitude. “Thank you. For listening while I spilled my ugly past out all over you. Other than the guy I paid to listen to me, I haven’t had anyone else I could talk to. No one else I trusted enough. But you’ve stuck around and you’re so good with Ellie. You had my back when I was about to lose it in there. So, thanks. Thank you for being my friend when I really needed it.”

I nodded numbly. I was his friend. Just a friend. I knew this. So why did it sting so badly to hear him say it? Swallowing my injured pride, I squeezed his hand then carefully pulled away. “You’re welcome. I was happy to listen. I really do need to get going, though. Hannah needs a bath and I still have to pack.”

“Pack? You’re going somewhere?” He visibly paled and I realized how that must have sounded.

“Shit! I’m sorry. I know it’s terrible timing. Especially with everything you just told me. But I have a medical conference in Boston. I’ll only be gone a few days. My mom and dad are keeping Hannah. They’ll make sure she gets to and from school while I’m away.”

“Of course you’ve got things to do. It just took me by surprise, that’s all,” he said dismissively. The sudden shift in attitude was like an artic blast, sending a chill down the back of my neck.

He stood quickly, making the swing sway in his wake as he headed to the door and called out for Hannah. I missed the quiet intimacy we’d just shared, but I knew the moment had passed. I could see the walls going up around him, as if he felt the need to shield himself. But from what? Me? I could feel him pulling away, reverting back to the carefully cautious man I’d first met, and it hurt more than it probably should.

“We need to get going,” I explained to Hannah when she came to the door. She ducked back inside and grabbed her jacket and backpack then came back out. I pasted a smile on my face as we said goodbye to Ford and Ellie. “I’ll see you in a few days,” I said pointedly. He nodded but his eyes remained cool, staring somewhere over my shoulder.

With nothing left to do or say, I turned and headed for my car. I felt discombobulated by the mix of emotions swirling inside me. Listening to his story, witnessing his raw pain and fear for his daughter, only to be shut out in the end. And there I’d been, acting like a fool, swooning over a simple touch, a brief smile.

I shook my head as I reached the end of the driveway. I looked in the rearview mirror, but the front door was already shut. Probably locked up tight. With a sigh, I turned and headed home. Maybe a little distance was what we both needed to get a little perspective.

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