Page 35 of Level Up

She kissed my cheek and sat back. The conversation shifted away from me and my past. We started talking about the show tonight and how Maddy was finally going to see me perform. Her excitement was contagious, getting my nerves revving for tonight. I didn’t typically get nervous onstage, but the hours leading up to it were definitely shaky with nail-biting and carpet-pacing moments.

“Speaking of audience members, is a certain muscular gamer guy going to be attending?”

I immediately knew who she was talking about. “No, I didn’t get him a ticket.”

“How do you know he hasn’t already gotten one?”

“Because I don’t think he has.” I shook my head, dropping my face into my hands. “I don’t know. The guy’s dangerous. Like, in a sexy way. I think I’m falling for him.”

“I knew it,” Maddy said, slapping her leg.

“Shit. You did? I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? For what? Getting dicked down on the regular?”

I laughed at that. “No, there hasn’t been any dicking down. Well, kind of. And I’m sorry because he’s a Redpine. His family represents everything I’m fighting against.”

Maddy gave me a look, head tilted to the side and eyes narrowed to slits. “There are plenty of people who aren’t the same as their family. And I see how you guys look at each other when we’re hanging out. It’s sickening. In a good way.”

“He is really fun to be around. And he has shown he’s a good person. Or at least acts like one.”

“Exacccctly,” Maddy said.

“But imagine if I’m working on this protest with you, and then people put the pieces together? We won’t be taken seriously.”

Maddy chewed her cheek. She thought on that for a bit. It was the same issue that always stumped me, and it appeared she didn’t have any easy answers, either. “Do you like him?”

“I do,” I said.

“Do you like being around him?”

“I do,” I said. “A lot.”

“Do you like hooking up with him?”

I paused. “Abso-fucking-lutely.”

“Then, there you go. I think you figured it all out yourself.”

I chuckled, glad I could be this honest with Maddy. I was the kind of person who needed a solid soundboard to bounce ideas and feelings off. “And… I can’t believe I’m even saying this out loud, but he called himself ‘Daddy’ the other day, and I nearly flew off into orbit it was so fucking hot.”

Maddy started to laugh. “He’s not even that much older than you.”

“I know, but his energy was. It didn’t matter, I was into it.”

“Then keep being into it! Don’t hold yourself back from a good thing.” Her face lit up as if she got the most brilliant idea. “Give him a comp ticket. Have him show up tonight. Then maybe I can do some digging and find out where he stands on all things Redpine.”

I sighed. Secretly, yes, of course I wanted Ryan there. I wanted him sitting front row and center. I wanted to be able to pinpoint him in the audience even through the bright wash of the stage lights.

I also didn’t want things to get more complicated than they already were.

But talking about it with Maddy made me wonder… who was I so scared of disappointing? Was it the people around me, or was it the one person who watched from above me? The thought of letting my dad down, even after his passing, was what really tore at my heart.

Would I be able to move passed that gut-wrenching feeling?

“I’ll think about it,” I said. There was still time for me to make a decision. I could invite him and be sure he was there, or I could leave it up to fate. Whatever happened, happened.

I liked that option.

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