Page 69 of Level Up

“I wasn’t sure if there was a customary gift for rowing races, so I made one.” He held the gift out, the bright sunlight shining down on his face, making him glow like the first place trophy we were about to get.

“This is beyond perfect.” I grabbed the bucket. The adrenaline and thrill of the win mixed with the absolute bliss of seeing Jay here. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. I swallowed down a lump of emotion. Normally, if my family weren’t busy (or my dad didn’t currently hate me), they’d also be in the audience, cheering me on. My mom had already said she was sad she missed it because of a work trip, while my dad only texted me a simple “Good luck today” message.

But none of that really mattered to me. “I didn’t think you’d be here,” I said, one of those tears slipping over and down my cheek to the corner of my mouth. I could taste the slight hint of salt.

“I…” Jay took in a deep breath. He looked over my shoulder, out at the lake behind me. “I didn’t think I’d be here, either.”

I reached for his hand, still holding the bucket in my other arm.

“I was nervous. All day. And yesterday night, too. I could barely sleep.”

“That’s why you were rolling around so much? I thought you were having nightmares.”

“I was,” Jay said. “They just happen when I’m awake sometimes.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, squeezing his hand.

“You don’t have to be. At all. I decided I was going to come that day you met us at the coffee shop after practice. It felt… right. Since then, I’ve been feeling nerves, but every time I looked at you, those nerves would instantly disappear. So I knew that seeing you out there, cheering you on, it would help with any fear or panic I would have felt.”

“How are you feeling now?” I could see the tension in his forehead, the way his shoulders were practically up to his earlobes. He wasn’t completely comfortable being here, but he had fought through that to help support me.

How’d I ever get so lucky?

“I’m feeling okay.” Jay’s eyes settled on mine. I didn’t even care about a first-place prize. Looking into Jay’s soft gaze was the best prize I could have ever received. “I’m going to feel even better when I show you the surprise I’ve got planned.”

My eyebrows jerked up my forehead, my smile curling. “Surprise?”

“And this one isn’t composed of hairy bull balls,” Jay said with a wink. “Congratulations again, baby.” Jay gave me another kiss that tasted as sweet as that win.

If not better.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Jay

Today had been difficult.

But not for the reasons I had expected.

I made up my mind about going to Ryan’s big race before today. I knew it was something I had to do—not just for Ryan but for myself. It was time I conquered one of my biggest fears, and what better reason to do it than to cheer on my boyfriend? It wasn’t the easiest thing I’ve had to do, by a long shot, but it also certainly wasn’t the hardest. I had woken up feeling certain that I’d made the right decision, and seeing Ryan’s face beam the second he spotted me in the crowd only proved that.

It wasn’t completely free of fear, though. The drive to the lake had me second-guessing things a few times.

Seeing the water as I walked through the crowd made my stomach churn. Sweat poured down my back. My skin felt far too tight and my heart beat a little too fast. I thought back to all my therapy sessions after losing my dad and tried to use the tools I’d been given.

Ground yourself.

Breathe.

Affirm.

I traced the trail of oxygen through my nose, down to my lungs, out again. I envisioned it all happening over a beautiful bright green meadow. I looked up at the sky and pictured my dad watching me, smiling, cheering both me and Ryan on.

I love you, Dad.

Tears had slipped down my cheeks. Anyone glancing my way probably assumed I’d been staring at the sun for a few seconds too long.

But the tears slowed to a stop almost instantly. A sense of calm filled me. It was as if my dad was giving me an invisible hug, his warmth slaying the fear that had resided in me for so long.

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