Page 46 of Level Up

He was stressed about something.

“It is,” I said. Before I could ask him what was wrong, Maddy jumped in.

“We were also trying to plan a big protest for the oil drilling project off of Beacon’s Bay. You should help out.” Her tone was exploratory. She looked down at my glass of wine as she poured me a refill. I glanced at Ryan. His expression looked extra tight. He stared off into empty space, somewhere in the bordering bamboo. His grip around my hand tightened.

Okay. What the hell was going on with him?

The butterflies in my chest swapped out for anxious little gnats, buzzing around and making my pulse spike.

“But, you know, I get if you don’t want to,” Maddy quickly added off the loaded silence.

“No, it’s not that…” His voice trailed off. He shifted, my hand falling from his. He adjusted himself so he sat cross-legged, his hands underneath him now.

Shit. I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff. There was a rocky and wave-laced shore underneath me, and all I needed to be pushed was a few words from Ryan.

Is he going to say he made a mistake?

If Ryan got buyer’s remorse this soon after we made it official, then I was sure my head would explode, and I’d be launched directly into orbit. The wine we’d been drinking all afternoon started catching up to me. I began to imagine a hundred different over-the-top and dramatic scenarios that could play out from this.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. There was another stretch of silence.

I braced myself. Whatever Ryan was about to say clearly couldn’t have been good.

Chapter Eighteen

Ryan

I was still pretty wound up after my argument with my dad. I tried walking it off around campus but kept thinking about what he told me.

The aimless walking hadn’t worked. I texted Jay to see if we could hang.

Thank God he said yes. I grabbed some wine from a corner store and drove over to the bamboo park. I found them sitting on a pink blanket in one of the secluded corners of the park.

You’re a disappointment.

The word rang like a gong being hit over and over again inside my skull. It reverberated out through my bones, settling somewhere deep in my chest. It was what I’d been scared of this entire time. Yes, my father could be an asshole, and yes, he had a skewed moral compass, but he was still my dad, and when it came to being a father figure, he was a genuinely great one. He knew how to be a good parent. He’d skip important business meetings to attend a big game of mine, or he’d put his phone away during family vacations so he could be present with us.

He wasn’t a bad guy. He just had a fucked-up profession.

Or, another more toxic thought: what if he was a bad guy? He’d shown flashes of that already. I hated to think my own father was a monster, especially since he was great to me in every single aspect besides the family business.

So… which one was it?

Seeing Jay instantly lifted my spirits, along with the kiss he gave me. At least last night wasn’t a dream. It was real.

But even the kiss couldn’t hide the stress I started to feel building up inside me. Obviously, I was bad as fuck at trying to hide it because Jay instantly called me out. I chewed my cheek, looked straight ahead at the wall of bamboo that swayed gently in the salty wind. I sat on my hands, something I did often when I started to feel anxious. The blanket was soft under my palms. The solid ground underneath helped anchor me. It was a contrast to the bobbing waves on the water that could also do the same.

“What’s going on?” Jay asked again. He sounded concerned. Maddy leaned forward with one brow arched. I swallowed loudly. They were talking about protesting the Beacon Bay project, and they had no idea my dad was involved.

I could tell them now, but what would that mean for Jay and me?

We’d just started dating. Literally less than twenty-four hours ago. I didn’t want to risk it.

“Nothing, nothing,” I said, trying to brush it off. “Let’s focus on this protest.”

Maddy narrowed her eyes. Jay seemed to consider me for another moment. Crap, I wasn’t a good actor. Jay would know my tells.

“You sure?” he asked. “Your knee keeps bouncing, and you’re gnawing at your cheek like it’s gum.”

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