Page 100 of Every Version of You

At the mention of my best friend, my heart swells. She never would have put up with me if I was actually like my father. She would have kicked me to the curb long ago if she even got a whiff of me mistreating partners.

Partners.

The term feels weird now. The idea of sleeping with other people feels weird. Unappealing.

All I want is my Angel. I want her laughing and dancing with me. I want her to be proud of me—proud that I’m the father of her children.

But she wants me to back off. How am I supposed to let that happen now? I’ll do it because she needs it, but it means she’ll be at a distance we’ve never experienced before—and something about that irritates me. Maybe it’s the need to protect my pregnant…friend. Friend?

We’re not just friends, and I know it deep in my bones.

The rest of dinner passes with no more mention of my dad. While helping clean up in the kitchen, Mom gently pulls on my elbow. “Come with me. I have something to show you,” she says with a slight curve to her lips.

Setting the plate down on the drying rack, I dry off my hands and follow her into her den just off the living room. The space is filled with organized clutter—everything from tax filings from ten years ago to faded childhood art projects.

“Have a seat,” she says, indicating for me to take the old leather chair as she fiddles with the ancient TV in the corner—the kind with a DVD player built right in. When she turns it on, she then takes a seat right next to me on a folding chair and looks at me. “I found this the other day cleaning out the basement.”

She pushes play on the remote and a teenage Angie pops up wearing a red swimsuit, pushing a hunk of PVC pipe and cords into an indoor swimming pool.

“Oh my god,” I whisper. “Is this us practicing with our underwater robot?”

“It is,” Mom says, but I can’t tell what her expression is because I can’t tear my eyes off the grainy digital image. “And look, there’s you.”

I’m standing at the edge of the pool wearing plaid swim trunks with a controller in my hands. “Am I picking it up?” I ask teenage Angie, my voice echoing off the walls of the pool room.

“No, come in closer,” she replies, showing me with her hands how close I am. “That’s it… You got the ring!” she beams.

“I forgot all about this day.”

“You two were so invested in this team.”

I chuckle. “The whole team consisted of her and me.”

Then the video cuts to a new location—a larger indoor pool with people filling bleachers and a judges table. Our tournament. Mamá’s voice comes in and her hand is pointing to Angie and myself, both wearing a white T-shirt with the words Nauti Nautilus in big blue letters. We’re near the pool’s edge watching a TV monitor. Angie’s driving the controller and I’m pointing to the screen, directing her.

I have no idea what I’m saying to her, but I watch the two of us work side by side. We’re completely engrossed in our mission. Teenage me shouts and cheers as Angie drives. Then I’m lowering myself to the pool’s edge to meet our robot and grab the object from it before it sinks back down.

I can’t help but marvel at the team we make. How, given the opportunity, we’ll always choose each other as teammates. We’ll always work like a well-oiled machine.

“Do you remember how you placed?”

I have to smile at that. “Pretty close to last I think.”

“Yeah,” she smiles back. “That’s true. But did it feel like it?”

There were dozens of competing teams from all over the state at this competition, but somehow, we didn’t care that we took last place. We didn’t care that our robot was clunky and made mostly out of PVC and zip-ties. We didn’t care that we only completed half of the mission before the buzzer went off. We didn’t care about winning. But did it feel like we lost?

“No,” I sigh with a smile. We may have worked our tails off getting ready for the tournament, but we didn’t lose. I walked away with pride in my heart because every moment spent with her feels like winning.

I’m going to win her back, I think to myself.

I don’t want to be just friends. I don’t want to be a co-parent. I want all of her. I want to take care of her, wake up next to her, and love her. I want to love her. Love her beyond a friendship. Love her like she deserves to be loved. Love her like I was always meant to.

I’m in love with Angela Zofia Johanssen and I’m going to make her mine.

Chapter 35

October 12th

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