Page 44 of To Tame An Angel

I swallowed, feeling the acidity of bile thicken my throat. “So, after holding you and being held by you for months or years, what shall I do? Stand on the other side of this door knowing that here, in this same bed, you do to another all the things you’ve done to me?”

She inhaled sharply and her hand slid into mine. “It would be different.”

“How?” I asked quickly.

I needed to know. Would she return to me after the days required for the taming and slip into my bed smelling of another man’s cum? I was filled with a mixture of jealousy and the sense of being disposable, discardable, replaceable. I felt used understanding that I was just a cock, just a hole, for her to use.

She came closer to me and though her hands caress my chest; I felt terribly alone.

“Tannor.” My name sounds like sawdust on her tongue.

“We made a grave mistake, didn’t we?” I asked. “That’s why it’s a taming. That’s why I should hate you. So that when you finally find another cock to distract you, I would feel relief. But somehow, you’ve not allowed me to hate you and thus… you’ll break me. Even if it’s not your intention.”

The denial is on her tongue as she pulled my face to hers, pressing her nose into my cheek. “It wouldn’t be like that at all!”

“Then how? How would it be? You’ll brand me and I’ll allow you because I know you wish it, because I know you want it and now I find myself thinking of ways to please you, to keep you smiling. Then you’ll brand another. I’ll pass him in the halls knowing that he too carries your mark. Your devotion.”

I pulled from her, overwhelmed with the reality I’ve ignored while she’d slept in my arms. Lulling me into the false sense of belief that what we had was special. And different. That I was special and different to her.

“Until this tiny world that you created for us is filled with your devoted men, and the only difference would be that I was the first. That perhaps you’ll allow me to father your children, but never be allowed to be their father.” The thickness is heavier in my throat. “That my boys will be taken from me and lost to a heartless pit and my girls will hate me on the principle that I’m a man.”

She shook her head as she cried, swallowing her tears and pressing herself against me. I knew she felt the injustice of it all. The raw reality of this awful, dark world we lived in.

We, the children of humanity, continuously paid the price for the sins of the past.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

NALLA

I didn’t expect pain from him, but what else would it be? Realistically, I knew he was right, though I wished to deny it. I wanted to assure him it wouldn’t be the same. That he was special. That his eyes and words forged soft ribbons of tenderness in my belly, something I hadn’t expected. I didn’t expect to care for his feelings and emotions, like I was responsible for them and held them in my palms.

He stood now on the balcony and breathed in the fresh air, watching the afternoon careen over the horizon and the swaying forest trees.

I went to him and found him dressed, hands on the rail, back slightly hunched as his eyes speared the world. Wordlessly, I embraced him, pressing my cheek against his back, making a bed out of his body.

When my hands cupped his chest, he rested his fingers over mine and sighed. I could only imagine that my own parents acted this way. That their sorrows were the same, that they too were broken by the law of the land. Perhaps mother also made promises like I made now. Perhaps father also believed them.

“I had a brother,” I said, not knowing where to go with this confession. “I think about him all the time.”

Tannor turned his head, listening.

“We shared the same womb; he was my twin. When I was little, I dreamed his wings covered me, protecting me and warming me. That we would hold hands as we awaited our birth,” I whispered.

He shifted and looked at me. The breeze made my hair dance over us and in the soft golden glow of the afternoon, there was peace and we were just two people.

“Was he taken to the pits?” he asked. There was a tinge of bitterness to him.

I shook my head. “No. He died when we were born. Grandmother said that’s why I’m different towards the men. Because I see them as equals. But I’m glad he died because all I can think is that now he would be just like you. Lost, alone, and afraid. It’s terrible, isn’t it?”

He took a hair curtaining my face and pushed it back as I stared at his deep blue eyes. “I don’t know. I think you would’ve figured out a way of saving him.”

Tannor’s words made me gasp at the realization that he was right. Even at five, I would’ve defied my mother and marched to the pits and helped him escape. Because he was mine and he belonged to me, not the pits.

“I would save you too,” I said.

He slid his hand over my waist and pulled me in. He felt so warm and solid, like the ground under our feet, but he also felt like the wind, like an adventure, an unknown horizon. That if I truly allowed my feelings the freedom they wished to have, I would love him. And that would be our undoing. When his hand went to my face and cupped it, I covered it with mine.

“I don’t want to,” I said with a sudden fierceness.

---