Page 77 of Shattered Lives

Problem solved. I have no desire to draw attention to my anything. I hang the red and teal dresses on the return rack before turning toward the register.

“I’m just going to try this one thing on while you pay,” she says, slipping into the dressing room with a miniscule white dress that doesn’t contain a handkerchief’s worth of fabric.

“I’m pretty sure that won’t hide a baby bump,” I tease.

She laughs. “Nope, but it might help me get one.”

When Lila finally decides she’s had enough shopping for today, we check into the hotel. She’s reserved adjoining rooms for us. I long to shower because I’ve been around people all day, but since we’re going right back out to dinner, I settle for freshening up and changing clothes. We meet in the lobby for our Uber since we’re both planning on drinking margaritas tonight.

We’re halfway through our appetizer nachos when she raises an eyebrow at me. “So. Blake.”

I sigh. “Really? Over appetizers?”

She lifts her margarita. “Why not? It’s an upgrade from doughnuts and coffee.”

“I’m not drunk enough to have this conversation yet.”

Her eyes turn sad. “That bad?”

Lila’s convinced a relationship with the right person will help me heal. As a result, every failed date leaves me feeling like I’ve let her down. But last night, I had an epiphany. I realized it doesn’t matter who I go out with. There’s no “right guy” for me. I’d fail with Prince Charming, because the problem isn’t the guy. The problem is me and my U-Haul of emotional baggage.

“It started off well enough. He was easier to talk to because I knew him. But then he made a comment about foreplay, and…” I shrug.

She takes a sip of her margarita, her gaze lingering.

I take a deep breath. “One innuendo, and all relaxed conversation came to a screeching halt. It was awkwardly quiet after that. Then he walked me to my car, and everything went to shit.”

“What happened?”

I shake my head. “It was a dark parking lot with no one around. He said he’d enjoyed the evening. I was trying to decide if he was going to go for a goodnight kiss.” I sigh. “Next thing I knew, I was in a full-blown panic attack. It was awful.”

“Did you pull your gun?”

I shake my head. “I’d put my purse in the car already. But I looked like a fool. Again,” I add, remembering that this is the second panic attack he’s witnessed.

Lila frowns. “No, you didn’t.”

“You weren’t there. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move. It took two or three minutes for me to calm down. When I opened my eyes, he was standing on the opposite side of the car door.” She looks perplexed, so I explain, “He put the door between us, trying to give me space. He was talking to me like I was a frightened animal.” I’m silent for a minute. “I can’t do this anymore, Lila. I’m done.”

“What do you mean, done?”

“I’m so tired, Lila,” I say quietly, my voice breaking. “No matter how much effort I put in, it always ends up the same. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different outcome. That’s what this is. I need a break. No more blind dates, okay?”

I expect her usual pep talk, but instead, she just nods.

When I’m alone in the hotel room later, I consider her reaction.

Maybe she was just being supportive, agreeing to what I said I wanted.

Or maybe she can see the truth: that those bastards in Afghanistan got exactly what they’d intended – to destroy me.

Remembering them reminds me of her worry that I’d be upset if she got pregnant.

Alone, I can admit the truth.

I am upset, but not at her. Never at her. She and Tucker deserve to have as many babies as they want.

I’m upset because it’s one more way those fuckers won.

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