Page 34 of Recklessly, Wildly Yours

This photo captures how exposed and naked she feels.

I hold out my camera and show her. “As far as I’m concerned, this is the one, but if you want me to keep going, I will.”

She stares at the image for the longest time before finally lifting her face to mine. “That’s it.”

Yeah, it is.

That’s the photo that shows Maddie’s unglamorous truth.

14

Madeline

We arrive in Louisville just after eight p.m. I made Ethan stop for cloud animals again, as well as souvenir collecting, snack gathering, and multiple bathroom breaks. Not to mention the shopping trip and photoshoot.

He didn’t complain once.

We talked about fun stuff: our favorite movies (I had to admit I haven’t watched a movie in three years; he was horrified and vowed to rectify this sometime this week); our hobbies (again, Ethan was horrified to learn I don’t have any hobbies, while I enjoyed learning of his love for highlining, which I’d never heard of, motocross, tennis, golf, and beach volleyball); and our favorite music, which, of course, I had a lot to say about. I vowed to introduce Ethan to more country music this week and had to agree to watch Misery with him in exchange for him listening to country music. We added eight more songs to our road trip playlist, which has mostly songs from the eighties and nineties on it so far. Ethan also talked about a friend he has in Louisville, a guy who owns a bar there, and we decided to drop in and visit him after dinner.

We find a hotel and get one room again. We didn’t even ask if there were two rooms next to each other available. I like that Ethan seems able to read me and that he’s picked up that I don’t want to be alone.

There’s a new tension between us since we discussed our kiss. And since he photographed me. That photoshoot was unlike any I’ve ever been a part of. Having Ethan take my photo was an experience. He knows how to peel a person’s layers away. It was like having a conversation about myself that had no words. One in which he got to see the vulnerable parts I try to hide.

“What are you thinking you might want for dinner?” he asks once we’re in our room. “I know some great restaurants. It just depends what you like to eat.” He tells me about some restaurants he’s enjoyed here that I might like to try.

“I love a good steak, so maybe the steakhouse.” A text comes in for me as I say this and I check it because I’ve been going back and forth with Leigh all day trying to make a decision about the new PR team I’ll hire and I’m waiting on some information from her.

Leigh: Okay, so you may want to sit down for this.

I’m instantly on high alert.

Me: What is it?

Leigh: Are you sitting?

Me: Leigh, just tell me already.

She forwards me an Instagram link that I immediately click.

@thetea_gasp

Girlfriend, the news that broke today about our girl @madelinemontana and her ex @tuckerbrandt was so unexpected. And to be honest, we’re not sure we wanna be a part of circulating it some more, but we know you’re always looking to us for the tea updates so here we are. Just know, we won’t tolerate any drama on this post and will delete anything nasty. Maddie had an abortion two years ago. This has been confirmed by Tucker in a post he just made in response to the gossip, and we quote him here: “It’s true that Madeline had an abortion before our last tour. What you don’t know are the circumstances under which she made that choice, so please respect her privacy and right to choose, and leave her in peace.” You can read his entire statement on his Insta, but for real, we’re torn over his post. Sure, he’s come out in support of her, but was she okay with him posting this before she’s had a chance to make her own statement? We’re concerned the Tucker stans are gonna come after her even more now. And how about this thought: Maddie’s been thrown to the wolves and we’re wondering why Tucker isn’t being clear about his part in all this. I mean, this is the guy who has talked a lot about the era of equality for the sexes, about men standing beside their women rather than in front of them. Where was the bit in his statement asking his fans to respect HIS right to choose? We’ve got TFW something just doesn’t add up.

I sit on my bed and stare at my phone for what feels like forever. My heart beats so fast and all the way up in my throat that I’m unsure how oxygen is even entering my lungs. I don’t think it is. I think Tucker has just thrown me under all the buses in the world and I’m almost dead.

Leigh: Maddie? Are you there?

I try to suck air in but it’s a fight.

This is bad.

Really, really bad.

Because the sad fact about the music industry is it’s filled with misogyny and even in this day and age, my abortion won’t go down well. Tucker lied every time he said this is the era of equality. I was never the woman standing next to him; I was the woman standing about ten men back from him.

Me: Yes.

My fingers shake as I tap out my text, and not just from fear, but also from my rising anger over what Tucker’s done.

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