Page 94 of Recklessly, Wildly Yours

Me: It fucking feels like I’ve ruined everything.

Gage: That’s because you love her. Everything feels a million times worse when you love her.

I haven’t told Gage that I’m in love with Maddie, but it doesn’t surprise me that he’s already figured it out.

Me: Sorry about the ice cream and late night with Luna. I had to bribe her with something.

Gage: Payback will be a bitch.

Thank fuck for my brother. Gage is the one who talked me off the ledge last night when I was losing my shit over becoming a father. He shared that he also had doubts before Luna was born, not confident that he’d make a good father. That stunned me because he’s a great dad. We talked for a few hours and that conversation really helped put my mind at ease.

I imagine that Maddie thinks I don’t want the baby. I certainly didn’t say anything yesterday to indicate that’s not the truth. If we’d had that conversation at any other time, away from distractions, it would have gone down very differently.

We would have talked the way we always do, openly sharing our fears and concerns, as well as our hopes. I would have been able to express where I was coming from, which was a valid place of doubt over my ability to be a good parent. And she would have been able to tell me why she was so anxious over telling me about the pregnancy.

But, we didn’t have those opportunities and where we’ve ended is a murky pit of misunderstandings.

I’ve thought deeply about what Dad said to me last night about parenting and marriage. I think what he was essentially saying was that parenting is teamwork and a team can’t show up and get the job done well if they aren’t together.

I think communication, trust, and respect are some key qualities of a great team. And when it comes to being a great father, a husband needs to show up in his marriage first by taking into consideration his wife’s needs, because if her needs aren’t met, the communication, trust, and respect are out the window. And vice versa. The trickle-down effect to their children comes from that, which is exactly what happened in my family.

I did not show up well as Madeline’s partner yesterday in the way she needed and that is what I need to do now.

My flight leaves just after 4 a.m. and I try to catch some sleep once we’re in the air. I manage a couple of broken hours at the most. When I land in London, I check for a missed call or text from Maddie and find both, which helps settle my gut a little. At least she’s not completely shutting me out.

Miller: I’m sorry I missed you. I won’t get a chance to try again until tonight.

She has never not been able to find even just a few minutes for me in the midst of her busy work schedule. I think she’s avoiding me and I need to know why because it’s unusual for her to stop communicating with me.

I don’t call her. I text Leigh.

Me: Hey, it’s Ethan. How’s Madeline? Is she doing okay?

She comes straight back to me.

Leigh: Holy fuck, Hottie, you have screwed up!

Me: Yeah, I know. What are the chances of getting a ticket or pass or whatever I need to get into the studio to see Maddie before the show is filmed this afternoon? I’m assuming you’re already there.

Leigh: You’re here? In London?

Me: Yeah.

Leigh. If my lifeblood wasn’t draining from me, I would be way more enthusiastic right now, but that was a good decision.

Me: So, a pass?

Leigh: Leave it with me. I’ll get you in.

Me: Thanks.

Leigh: And Hottie?

Me: Yeah?

Leigh: Don’t fuck this up again.

Me: You didn’t tell me how Madeline is.

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