Page 56 of Recklessly, Wildly Yours

“I’m still not following as to how this all fits into the way Dad treats me.”

“He changed after he cheated on me. You have to understand that up until that point, our marriage wasn’t based on love. We were two kids told to marry by our families. So, we did, and we tried to do what married people do. We had kids, we vacationed, we entertained, we tried to fall in love. But starting a marriage without a strong foundation of love and then having five children in seven years was a recipe for disaster.

“After your father cheated on me, we had to work through that. We had years of therapy and ended up falling in love. And I know that might not be something you can understand—that I was able to forgive him and fall in love with him, but it’s what happened. Unfortunately,” she continues with sadness, “you boys suffered throughout all of that turmoil, especially you. I was so lost after your birth and I just didn’t have the emotional capacity to bond with you like I did with your brothers. As a result, I know you struggled to find yourself and your place in our family. You were lost and your father was extra hard on you because he worried so much for you. And he’s still hard on you, but only because he worries, Ethan. He loves you more than you know.”

I stare at her, lost for words. Lost for so fucking much. This is the kind of conversation I’ve wanted with my mother for my entire life and it fucking kills me that she’s taken twenty-eight years to broach it with me.

“You’re right that I don’t understand how you can forgive him for what he did,” I finally say because, fuck, I don’t understand that and I’m not sure I ever will.

She gives me a small smile. “The thing about marriages is that the only people who can fully understand them are the two people in them. I don’t expect you to wrap your head around our relationship, but I do hope you can separate the husband from the father and think about what a good dad Edmund is.”

“When he says the stuff to me that he does, Mom, I’m not sure I can get to that point in my thinking. He treats me like I’m still a kid who needs to be told what to do next in life because I can’t figure it out for myself. That doesn’t make me feel good, you know?”

“I know, darling, and I’m going to talk with him about this.”

I clench my jaw. “You shouldn’t have to manage him or his relationship with me.”

“Sometimes, that’s the job of a parent. None of us are perfect, and sometimes we need our partner to help us see a different perspective.” Her smile shifts into a soft loving one. “That’s what love and marriage is for. Finding a partner to support us, counsel us, and love us as we grow into new understandings of ourselves and the world around us. I don’t think of it as managing your father. I think of it as one way I can love him.”

She reaches for my hand and squeezes it. “Please think about what I’ve said, and if you want to talk some more with me about it, I’m always here for you. I know things have been strained between us for a long time, but I hope we can change that.”

I’m left staring after her when she walks back into the dining room, my thoughts all over the place. I stand rooted to the spot for a long while, thinking about everything she said. In the end, it’s a text from Madeline that drags me from my thoughts.

Miller: I’m thinking about buying these. Bad idea?

She sends through a photo of a pair of pink granny undies and the grin that spreads across my face is instant and so fucking welcome.

Me: Can you get a pair in every color? They’re hot as hell.

Miller: What’s your favorite color?

Me: That depends. It’s blue, but on you, it’s red.

Miller: Have you even seen me wear red?

Me: Not in person, but Google has been my friend.

Miller: You stalked me?

Me: Damn right I stalked you. I need to know what I’m getting myself into here.

Miller: I may have stalked you too.

Fuck, I feel that in my gut.

Me: Did you find anything interesting?

Miller: I found your Insta and saw all the photos you’ve taken over the years. Ethan, they’re stunning. You should become a photographer.

I laugh.

Me: You think?

Miller: *shrugs* I mean, if you’ve got nothing better to do with your time.

Me: This asterisking of words is another bump in the road, Miller.

Miller: *grins* Good to know, grandpa.

---