Page 72 of Snared Rider

I make a promise to myself that I will do better in the future, that I will make more effort.

“Thanks, Clara.”

“Honey, you’re family,” is all she says. It’s all she has to say. It cements my previous thought process that I have to do better.

“Jack told me you’ve got a man back in London.”

Her change in direction catches me off guard.

“Oh, yeah… Alistair.”

She nods. “What’s he like?”

Not Logan.

These feelings for Logan are not feelings I should be having. I have a boyfriend I’m planning my life with, a boyfriend I love. He’s also a boyfriend I know cannot hold a candle to Logan, no matter how much I pretend he can. And this is the problem.

“He’s nice. He’s got a good job, nice friends.”

He’s also a boyfriend who hates my lifestyle and hasn’t been quiet about this. It’s also my fault he is this way. My avoidance of Logan (and by proxy my family) has given the impression I don’t approve, and while this is in part true it’s not the whole story.

Do I wish Dad had a regular nine to five job? Sure.

Do I wish I didn’t have to worry someone I love might end up in jail or worse, dead because of this lifestyle? Of course.

But my avoidance of the Club is not because of this; my avoidance is all about Logan. I obviously cannot tell Alistair this, but my reluctance to visit must have given the impression I don’t approve, which has given him free license to openly disapprove.

I think back to the day I left London. My argument with Alistair spiralled out of control for one reason and one reason only: we both wanted the same thing and I couldn’t stand it. His nagging pissed me off because of this. And yes, I realise how fucked up that sounds.

It is this fact that concerns me most. Logan not only broke my heart but he inadvertently cut me off from the people who mean the most to me: my family. He made it impossible for me to have a relationship with any of them, and that is a difficult pill to swallow. Because of him I moved hundreds of miles away and cut myself off from everyone.

Should I have stayed and faced the music? Probably, but the level of hurt he caused me isn’t something I could deal with at the time.

“There’s one problem with what you’re telling me,” Clara says.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, honey, I’m hearing ‘nice’ and not a lot else.”

“He’s a good man and he makes me happy.” This isn’t a complete lie, but it’s not exactly the whole truth either. If Clara sees through this she does not say. She just takes a drink of coffee before sliding her mug back onto the table.

“And happy is all we can ask for from our men.” She pushes up from the chair. “Now,” she says, “let’s see about getting you set up with your things.”

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