Page 66 of Snared Rider

Chapter Seventeen

With nothingelse to do while I’m on lockdown at the clubhouse, I go rummaging through the stacks of films for something to watch. I choose one at random, put it into the DVD player and then carefully lower myself onto the sofa. It takes a while to get in a position that doesn’t put pressure on my ribs or my bruised left side, but eventually I get as close to comfortable as I can.

As the movie plays in the background, I let my thoughts run riot. This is neither sensible nor helpful because I’m already an emotional mess, but with nothing else to distract me I tumble down the rabbit hole.

I have no idea what to do with Logan’s assertion he’s not willing to back off. What does it mean and what is he going to do? One thing I know about Logan Harlow is he’s a stubborn bastard; if he wants something he will get it. If he wants me…

Yeah, things could get messy.

The uncertainty of it puts me on edge.

Things would definitely be easier if he would just do as I want and leave me alone. Having to deal with Logan again and confront my past is tough. It’s not something I thought I would have to do, and I’m not sure I want to do it. But he’s not planning on backing off, and that worries me.

The problem is the more I’m around him, the more my anger fades and old feelings come to the surface. I love Logan and have loved him since I was twelve-years-old. I thought the pain of what he did would strip away all those feelings for him, but they’re still there, lying dormant.

I should have got over him and our past by now, I know this, but I can’t because he left me with so many questions that I can’t get closure. Our relationship had been a dream come true. We were both riding that feeling.

I wasn’t deluded.

I didn’t fail to see the problems.

There were none.

We were planning ahead. Logan was looking for a flat to rent in Kingsley, he was planning on giving me his property patch—which, in the MC world, is a big fucking deal. He kissed me Saturday morning, said he loved me and disappeared for days. When he came back he told me we were done. He didn’t explain why or where he’d been, he just ended our relationship and pissed all over our future.

And that is why I can’t move on. Because I don’t know why. I don’t know what I did to make him do that. Everything was perfect, and then it wasn’t. I lost the best thing in my life and to this day I still don’t know why.

Logan was my first love, and my first heartbreak.

I told him I’d forgive and forget but I can’t. What I can do is rip him out of my mind and my heart. I deserve better than him, and I will get my happily ever after.

Somehow.

But he’s right about the fact I can’t avoid home forever—I can’t and I don’t want to. Grandad’s health is deteriorating and I want to be here for him. Plus, I miss my father. I miss my family.

This means I must find a way to be in Logan’s presence without having an emotional breakdown every time. I can do that. I just have to be strong. I have to focus on the fact he means nothing to me anymore.

It’s a lie, but it’s a lie I can live with because pining after him is pathetic. I need to wake up and focus on what’s important, and that is getting on with my life. The problem is I’m not sure if that life is in London any longer.

I close my eyes.

Alistair.

Hell’s bells.

He’s a whole other problem I have no idea how to fix, but I have to try. He is my future, and I have to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

But Alistair is not an easy man to be with either, and he seriously dislikes the Club. He would love for me to distance myself from the Lost Saxons and Kingsley, but I can’t do that. Avoiding Logan is one thing but pulling away from Dad, from Grandad, Dorothy, Dean, Mackenzie… I can’t.

So, I need another coping mechanism to deal with Logan (and Alistair), and this will take some thought—preferably when I don’t have a concussion.

I also have the small problem of whether I’m still being targeted by an armed lunatic. While being killed by him would solve my Logan/Alistair predicament, death is far too final, and a tad dramatic.

It raises another question in my mind: what the hell did Dean do to that guy to warrant such anger?

Everyone, including Dean, is being tight-lipped about the situation. This annoys the hell out of me because I’m stuck at the clubhouse with a man I really do not want to be stuck with because of an incident I don’t understand.

I want to get out of town and remove myself from this mess but I can’t. I might be crawling in my own skin but I’m not stupid; this guy is out there baying for blood and I have a target on my back. This means I will not go against my father’s command to stay here and have Logan babysit me (even though I really want to). But it means I need to find a way to deal with him while I’m forced to be in his company, and that… that is the tricky part because honestly, I don’t know how to deal with him.

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