Page 105 of Snared Rider

His words leave me reeling. What the hell am I supposed to do with this? I thought answers would give me closure about the past; instead, I am more conflicted than ever. I don’t know if his explanation change things, but it does give me an insight into why he ended our relationship so suddenly. It certainly doesn’t erase my anger at him. He made a decision—a major life-changing decision—without consulting me. He decided what was best for us alone, and I don’t know that I can forgive him for that.

I pull back from his grip, ignoring the tightness around his eyes as I break his hold on me.

“Thank you for telling me the truth. You should have told me this years ago, but I’m grateful you’re telling me now.”

His eyes narrow further. “You’re still pissed off, aren’t you?”

I give him a sad, tired smile.

“Honestly, I don’t know what I am anymore, Logan. While your choices were selfless in one respect they were also incredibly selfish.”

“I was young—fucking stupid, too. I thought I was doing the right thing.” He sighs. “I love you, Beth; I always have, I always will. That’s not changing just because you’ve built this wall between us. You might have moved on, you may have even found a second chance at happy, but you’re it for me. No one else even comes close to measuring up to you. Why do you think I’m thirty-three and still not settled? I can’t settle because what I had with you I can’t recreate with anyone else. I don’t want to try.” His eyes close for a moment and the pain etched into his face makes my stomach turn.

I try to ignore his hurt and focus on my own. And I have a belly-full of it.

Holding my arms out at my side, I challenge him.

“I was right here, Logan. For ten years I was right here! You never tried to fix anything. You walked out of my life without a second look back.”

His hands go to his hair and he tears into in. “You were settled. I didn’t want to ruin what you had.”

“And yet you want me to believe you still want me, despite selflessly letting me go all those years ago?” I snort. “Give me a break.”

“Yeah, Beth, because that’s exactly what happened. I was trying to get on with life too. I was doing everything I could to put you out of my head and move on.”

“With Anna, you mean?” It’s a low blow and childish. How can I say that to him when I’m shacked up with another man? I’m not sure I can play the victim here, but I’m going to try because even after all this time, I feel like one.

He gives me a hard look. “I told you there’s nothing there. We were both bored and looking for a good time. That’s all. And you can’t judge me for that, darlin’, you’ve been living with another man for the past two years.”

This is true but so not the point. He doesn’t give me time or chance to counteract his argument.

“I was doing fine until I got that call from Jack saying you were in the hospital. I’ve never felt panic like it. I didn’t know if you were dead, alive, maimed. Dean said you were good, but I didn’t trust his words—not until I laid eyes on you myself.”

I see in his face how much that call affected him.

Shit.

He looks at me, really looks at me, and I want to squirm under his scrutiny. I’ve never been stared at like I’m the answer to someone’s prayers before.

“Up until that point, it didn’t really matter that you were pissed at me, Beth. There would always be tomorrow to sort shit out. Except you had that accident and I didn’t know if there would be a tomorrow for us. The whole way to the hospital all I kept thinking is that I should have fought harder for you. And I made a promise to myself that if you were okay I would fight for you.”

His words floor me. What the hell is he saying? And where the hell is this coming from? Seeing him standing in front me, breaking his heart to me shouldn’t hurt, but it does.

The crack in his voice nearly sends me over the edge as he admits, “I fucked up. I should have talked to you, I should have been more selfish and made you stand by my side, but I didn’t want you tied to a dead man walking, and that’s what I was. I was done. Prison, babe. For the rest of my life. I wanted more than that for you. So much more.”

He shakes his head, his hair falling into his eyes as he lowers his chin to his chest.

“I’m never going to say I feel bad for what I did because I don’t. I hate that my actions hurt you, I do, but it meant you got a shot at life, a shot at normal. That was all you ever wanted, Beth. You wanted normal and I couldn’t give you that.

“Should I have waited, seen how shit panned out? Maybe. With hindsight definitely, but I didn’t know. I was staring down the barrel of a loaded gun waiting for someone to pull the trigger. I knew at any time I could be re-arrested and that would be it. Game over.”

His head comes up and his eyes are determined as he stares across the room at me. I swallow hard.

“But even knowing what I know now I would’ve made the same decision. I would have pushed you away because doing that allowed you to live. I gave up the only thing that ever mattered to me and I can never get that back—not as it was. So, hate me, hate me for the rest of your days because you can’t hate me any more than I hate myself.”

I stare at him in stunned silence. I’m pretty sure my jaw is hanging open like a cartoon character right now, but I can’t speak. His words shroud me as I try to make sense of them. What the hell am I supposed to do with that confession? How in the hell do I sort through it all?

My head is pounding in time with my racing heartbeat. I have to say something, I can’t say nothing after he just poured his heart out to me, but what the fuck do I say? I need time to digest his words, time I don’t have.

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