Page 91 of Love and Other Goals

I try to swallow the huge lump in my throat, but it refuses to budge.

“I’m sorry for intruding today, but…” he pauses and looks down at the ground, clearing his throat. “Aaron talked to me this week and apologized for everything that he did. And…he told me that he hates himself for doing something that made you so miserable. That he can’t stand to see how depressed and closed off you’ve been.

“So, I decided I needed to try, just try, to talk to you so you could at least have some peace. I’ve been practicing what I’d say for a couple of days, trying to get it right. When you weren’t at AOPi, I drove all over town to each of your favorite spots, hoping to find you. Rubbing salt in the wound,” he says with a pained look. “I saw your car parked here, and, well, here I am.”

I still haven’t said anything, but I haven’t stopped him either, hoping that’s enough permission for him to keep talking since my brain and vocal cords can’t seem to coordinate.

“I just…I’m so sorry, Lana,” he hangs his head, and I see him fighting back tears. “Hindsight is 20/20, and I know that I should have told you about the professional soccer opportunity the first day Coach Anderson called. I should have included you. It was unfair of me to go so far down an alternate path without even talking to you about it, even if I thought I was protecting you. I’d go back for a do-over in a heartbeat,” he says, regret dripping from his voice.

“And I’m sorry for doubting you about Aaron. I should have just trusted you. I do trust you. When we were at the fall festival, I overheard your conversation with Aaron in the alley.” My heart hiccups at his admission as he continues. “I heard you tell him that you didn’t like him anymore, that he wouldn’t be your backup option because you were all-in on our relationship.”

He pauses with a sad smile. “I heard you say it, and that’s what gave me the confidence to ask you to be official.” His eyes water again as he says, “But I let doubts get in the way, insecurities about your old feelings for him needle their way back in when you started seeing each other regularly this semester. It was obvious his feelings for you never faded, and I just got so in my head over whether I might lose you to him.

“It’s not an excuse. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did about Adams telling you my plans. I’m so ashamed of how I treated you that night,” he says in a choked voice. I can barely see through the tears in my eyes, but I know he’s fighting them as well as he stares at the ground, jaw flexing, hands buried in the pocket of his hoodie.

“Lana, I need you to know that I love you. That before…before I ruined everything between us, I was going to…” He draws a shuddered breath in as he stares at his hands, which are fidgeting with a velvet ring box. My eyes widen.

“I was going to ask you for forever. I bought this. I had a whole plan, but then…” His voice breaks off, the tears pouring unhindered out of his eyes.

My heart implodes all over again, and I bring my hand up to stifle a sob from escaping.

“I’m so sorry I ruined it, Lana,” Mateo continues, his pained eyes meeting mine. “I can’t go back and change it, as much as I wish I could. And I can’t expect you not to date other people. But, know that I won’t be. Because I’ve loved you for such a long—” His voice breaks again as he swipes at his eyes. “I’ve loved you for such a long time, I don’t think I can ever stop. So I’ll be holding out hope that I can find my way back to you someday, no matter how long it may take.”

Waves of tears make their way down my cheeks, dripping onto my sweatshirt, my hair sticking to the wet streaks as the breeze whirls it around me. I wipe my face with the sleeves of my sweatshirt, taking a deep breath.

“You don’t have to say anything back, Lana,” Mateo says sadly. He quietly adds, “I just needed you to know.”

I take in the sight of this man I grew to love so much, standing in front of me in so much pain. Pain I had caused by my stubborn refusal to let go of my plans or to admit that I overreacted. I don’t want to lose him, my heart screams, finally kicking my brain into gear.

Mateo turns to leave, and I take a step forward. “Wait, Mateo. Please don’t go.”

He turns back to me, a pinprick of cautious hope in his eyes.

“You weren’t the only one who ruined our relationship, Mateo. I did too. Probably more than you did. I felt so threatened at the prospect of losing control of the future I had mapped out that I totally overreacted and lashed out at you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for looking at you as a threat to my future instead of as a gift. You’ve always been a gift. I’m sorry for pushing you away that night, and then pushing you further and further instead of admitting that I shouldn’t have done it in the first place.

“You should be playing soccer—you deserve to keep playing soccer,” I tell him with a watery smile. “I was such a brat to not even acknowledge how incredible it was that you had the opportunity to go pro. I’m sorry I was so selfish. The truth is, I miss watching you play soccer.”

I take another deep breath.

“I miss the way you smile at me, that teasing, satisfied smile you get every time you make me blush. I miss you constantly weaving your fingers through my hair,” I continue, pausing to sniff and wipe my cheeks again. “I miss talking to you about everything. I miss watching the way you make people feel important—the boys at The Hangout, my family, your family, the guys on your soccer team, literally everyone you interact with,” I say with a small laugh. “I miss the safe feeling of your arms around me. I miss the pattern of your heartbeat. I miss the way you kiss me, with so much tenderness and passion that they shouldn’t even be able to coexist in the same kiss.”

Mateo isn’t even trying to wipe the tears from his face as he watches me, listening patiently like he always does. I take a steadying breath to try to stem the heaving sobs in my chest. “I miss you, Mateo. I’ve been slowly dying inside since I walked away from you, but I was too stubborn to admit it. But I love you. I love you, and I want forever with you.”

In a heartbeat, Mateo has closed the gap between us, pulling me into a kiss that feels like every dream in the universe coming true. But just as quickly, he lets go and takes a step back.

“Wait, Lana, before you decide you want to be together, you deserve to know the whole situation,” he says, holding both my hands between us. “Coach Anderson got hired by Lincoln United, and I accepted a spot on one of the League Two teams that they draw from. If I play well this summer, I’ll likely get bumped to his team next year. I can’t be in California, but I’m willing to figure out a way for us to still be together, to do anything to be with you. But you deserve the choice. You’re not giving up your dream—I won’t let you.”

My heart swells with pride. He did it. He made it pro. I throw my arms around his neck and tell him, “I’m so proud of you, Mateo.” I feel moisture against my neck where his face is buried. I pull back, taking his hands again. “You deserve this. I’m so happy for you.”

He smiles at me, that dimple taking me in all over again. “Thank you, Lana. That means a lot.” His smile falters. “But Virginia is pretty far away from California.”

The gears in my mind suddenly start firing on all cylinders. “Wait, Virginia? What part of Virginia?”

Mateo looks at me quizzically. “Pretty far north, in Leesburg. Basically the northeast outskirts of Washington D.C.”

My heart stops, so full of joy it can’t even contract. I feel a smile spread across my face, and see Mateo’s confusion in response. I reach my hand up to his chin, tracing the stubble on his jawline with my fingers.

“Mateo, I’m not going to UC Davis next year,” I whisper.

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