Page 50 of Love and Other Goals

You are not wrong

Gotta go out for warmups. See you after the win

Good luck

Approximately three hours later, Amaya, Teegan, and I are losing our minds in the middle of the AOPi section as the final whistle signals a 4-3 Bobcat victory. Mateo completed his hat-trick with a third goal in the final minutes of stoppage time to clinch the win, and he’s buried under a dogpile of teammates. After each goal he scored, he found my eyes in the crowd with a huge grin. I might have melted if I wasn’t crazy cheering every time.

That night, a crowd of AOPis, most of the soccer team, plus Linh, Reagan, and Samantha hang at a local taco shop, reliving the match highlights over chips and salsa. Amaya is sitting across from me, and I’m flanked on either side by Teegan and Mateo (whose fingers are once again entangled in the lengths my hair, giving me constant goosebumps).

A wave of gratitude crashes over me. I have the best friend a girl could ever ask for, times two. I have a boyfriend who makes me feel valued for who I am and totally secure in how he feels about me. I’ve had an amazing college experience both educationally and socially, finding belonging and connection in Arrow, and yes, I’ll admit it, the sorority sisterhood.

The only thing that could make this better would be if I’d heard back from UC Davis about my application and knew my next step was secure. But I’ve done all that I can on that front, pouring my soul into my personal essay. Just like Amaya said about homecoming judging—I can’t control the other applicants or how the admissions staff see things. Focusing on the life I have right now is my only option as I wait.

And the life I have right now isn’t a terrible thing to focus on. Not one bit.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

My “que sera sera” attitude lasts exactly two days.

I’m lazily scrolling Instagram as I eat breakfast before class Monday morning when I notice a reel from the #ucdavisschooloflaw hashtag I follow. It’s a girl crying and screaming with excitement over being accepted into their early admittance program.

Which means acceptances are starting to go out already. I log in to the website to check my status, but there’s no update. Still pending.

I’ve lost my appetite now, so I throw away the other half of my bagel and trudge upstairs to get my backpack and walk to class early. Maybe a few extra steps among the fall colors will lighten my mood.

Except it’s raining when I walk out the side door. Of course it is. Today is the perfect bad-mood cliché.

Putting in an earbud, I queue up my Moody Mellow playlist and grab an umbrella from the basket by the door to walk to campus. Halfway there, my phone rings with a FaceTime notification from Mateo, but I’m too busy wallowing in self-doubt and anxious thoughts to answer. A text pings through a few seconds later, but I don’t pause to read it.

What if I don’t get in? What if I’ve planned everything about my life the past six years to get into UC Davis and then they don’t want me? What if no law school wants me? What didn’t they like about my essay? Were my reference letters not effusive enough? Should I have done something different during college to better round out my résumé?

My mind plagues me with a looping stream-of-consciousness parade of negativity. Even air-playing the piano along with Gracie is doing nothing to calm my thoughts. I arrive early to class and take a seat at the back of the empty room. My professor isn’t even here yet. I try to take some deep breaths and blink back the sting behind my eyes.

Eventually, I read my text from Mateo.

Mateo

Morning, beautiful. Sorry if I interrupted something trying to FaceTime you. Just wanted to say hi before class since I won’t see you the next couple of days

I breathe out slowly through my nose. Mateo is just being sweet; he has no idea that I’m upset, or why. My fingers shake as I tap out a response.

Sorry I didn’t answer. Just not in the mood to talk today

Immediate dots.

Are you ok? Is something wrong??

Saw on Instagram this morning that UC Davis is starting to send out acceptances to the early admittance program. And I haven’t received one

Just panicking that they won’t accept me and the last six years of my life have been wasted preparing for something that won’t happen

Three dots appear and disappear multiple times before a text finally comes through a couple of minutes later.

They’d be crazy not to want you, Lana. Don’t get too worried. It probably takes a long time to get through all the applications. They still have a month to let you know the early admittance decision

I groan. Ugh, why’d he have to remind me that they have until the end of November to make a decision? I could be anxiously waiting for another full month.

Clicking off my phone, I lay my head down on the desk. My brain refuses to entertain logic or reason about this right now. Other students trickle in, and when our professor starts his lecture, I sit up and take the most detailed notes of my life. Furiously scribbling every word he says at least keeps my mind occupied.

---