Page 87 of Love and Other Goals

I corner my parents in the kitchen after dinner. I explain my offer from Elena, everything I learned from my online sleuthing, and a long list of pros and cons I’ve mentally detailed already.

They listen quietly, sometimes interjecting clarifying questions, but mostly just absorbing my rambling thoughts. When I finally take a breath and sit down from my pacing, I look back and forth between them.

“Well, what do you think about it, honey?” my mom asks.

“I don’t know what I think about it. I want to know what you think about it,” I counter.

My dad answers first. “It sounds like a really incredible opportunity. Not the kind of thing most fresh college graduates get offered to them.”

Mom hums her agreement. “It does add a year onto your timeline of becoming a lawyer. But it’s certainly not a wasted year. There’s a lot of potential for valuable experience.”

I chew the inside of my cheek. “But I’d lose the deposit I’ve made to UC Davis. Not to mention probably losing my spot there forever. I can’t imagine they’d look kindly upon offering me early acceptance only for me to defer.”

“True,” my mom says, nodding. “This might close the door on UC Davis. But not the door on law school. There are a lot of good immigration law programs, Lana.”

“I know that in theory, I guess,” I say. “I mean, I’ve always known UC Davis wasn’t the only program out there. But it was…the one, you know? The one you attended, the one that sparked my interest in immigration law in the first place, the one I’ve dreamed of forever and fought so hard to get accepted to.”

My parents simply nod along, giving me space to continue externally processing.

“Working with Elena for a year would seriously be a dream. But I already had a dream—one that I’ve actually achieved. How do I know if I’m supposed to give that up?”

Mom simply shrugs her shoulder as my dad says, “We can’t answer that for you, Lana. You’ve got to open your mind up to any possibility. It might be UC Davis in the fall. But if it’s this opportunity with Elena, don’t shut it down just because you’ve already sacrificed so much on the path to California. Take some time to think about what you really want.”

After a sleepless night, I wake up early and drive to a local coffee shop. I do my best thinking sitting by a window drinking bottomless coffee and journaling my feelings.

Is it really okay to let go of UC Davis? To let go of a dream, a goal I poured so much of my life into?

I think about all the things I threw aside in the name of reaching my goals—soccer, any social or leadership opportunity that didn’t fit my check boxes, and…Mateo. Tears prick my eyes again.

Do I double down on my original dream because I put so much into achieving it? Or is it okay to open myself up to something different, even if it derails my plan?

And possibly the most agonizing thought to stare in the mirror: Would changing my plan mean admitting that I was wrong to push Mateo away?

My heartache can’t even handle posing that question to myself, so I mentally lock it up and move on to more pro/con lists.

Several hours and a massive hand cramp later, I’m feeling on the verge of peace about a decision. I drive to a nearby park and go for a long walk in the fresh air and sunshine, appreciating the hints of spring popping up through the soil in the flowerbeds.

I return to an empty house since my siblings are all with friends today. I wander the quiet rooms, my feet eventually carrying me to the living room to stand in front of the piano. I slowly take a seat on the bench and run my fingertips over the keys.

A copy of the sheet music to “Perfect” still sits on the piano, causing my shoulders to droop in a fresh wave of sadness. I stack the papers and store them safely out of sight inside the bench. Returning my fingers to the keys, the slow, mournful melody of “Moonlight Sonata” fills the room. Every pensive thought in my mind and conflicted emotion in my heart melt their way into the piano keys, taking on a melancholy beauty in the music.

I sleep peacefully that night, not waking up a single time until 10:00 a.m. Saturday morning. My parents have moved from the kitchen to the living room, so I take my coffee in to join them.

“I’m going to do it. I’m going to accept Elena’s offer,” I declare.

“You feel good about it?” my dad asks.

“I guess so?” Dad quirks an eyebrow at my response. “I mean, yes, as good as I can feel about throwing away my greatest life goal.” Now they both quirk eyebrows at me.

“I know, that was overly dramatic,” I sigh. “I’m still working on getting that permission to change dreams advice to sink in. But after all my research, all my lists, all my thinking and praying and agonizing over it, I realized that passing up this opportunity from Elena just to stick to my original plan isn’t what I really want. I want to go to D.C. I want to make a difference there for people like Samira.”

My mom smiles. “I’m happy for you, my beauty. You’re going to do amazing things in D.C.”

I smile back. “I’m not giving up on law school forever. But one extra year won’t ruin my whole future.”

After eating some breakfast, I call Elena. She’s over the moon that I’ve accepted and promises to get information to me soon about my job description and living in the greater D.C. area. I craft an email to UC Davis explaining my decision and officially withdrawing from the program. My stomach sinks just a little as my mouse hovers over the send button. Am I really sure I want to do this? I question myself. But my mom’s words echo in my mind: It’s okay for your dreams to evolve.

I click send.

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