Page 83 of Love and Other Goals

“That’s not the only point here, Lana,” Mateo says, rubbing his temples. “I knew I shouldn’t have shared about this with our Bible study.”

“So you’ll share about it with Kent’s group but not with your girlfriend, whose life it directly impacts?”

“I just wanted to have some people praying for me to have wisdom to know what to do, Lana. I already explained why I hadn’t told you yet,” Mateo grits out through his teeth. The muscles in his forearms flex as he clenches his fists. This is the closest thing to angry I’ve ever seen him. “My gut told me not to risk telling Adams about this, and I should have listened.”

“It’s your own fault that I found out from Aaron and not from you!” I exclaim, tightly clutching my fury.

“You’re defending him now? Unbelievable,” Mateo shakes his head and rests his hands on his hips. “It wasn’t his information to share. But Adams has been a shark circling our relationship since day one, watching for signs of blood. I guess he found his chance.”

“This isn’t about Aaron. It’s about you not being honest with me.”

“Aaron made it also about him when he inserted himself into our relationship. Are you going to tell me that Adams didn’t take this opportunity to conveniently remind you of his feelings for you?” Mateo questions, but it feels more like a declaration.

I fidget back and forth on my feet, right fingers aggressively playing an unknown melody against my left bicep.

Rage, hurt, and sadness weave together in a curtain across Mateo’s face. “I knew it,” he says quietly, looking down at the ground.

“Okay, yes, he did try to reiterate his feelings for me, but I shut it down, Mateo,” I explain, feeling flustered.

Mateo cocks his head to one side as he examines my face. “Are you sure, Lana? You liked him for a long time, long before me. Is that door really closed in your heart, or has this cracked it back open?”

A cold, clammy sweat breaks out across my body, and thick tears fill my eyes. “I can’t believe you wouldn’t trust me about this,” I whisper.

“All it took was one conversation with Adams revealing something I shared in confidence, and you come at me guns blazing,” Mateo responds, one eyebrow raised. “I never stood a chance of convincing you that I was trying to do what was best for you by not saying anything yet. He planted that seed of doubt in your mind, and you just latched right onto it instead of trusting me, instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt.”

I can barely see his face at this point, and I press the heels of my hands against my eyes to try to stem the flow of tears. “You think I don’t trust you, and apparently you don’t trust me to handle it if you share about the possibility of your future plans changing. You don’t trust me when I say my feelings for Aaron are dead and buried because I only care about you,” I say, voice quivering.

Mateo throws up his hands and blows out a frustrated breath. “Yep, great summary. I’m definitely the only person entirely at fault here. Glad to know exactly what you think of me.”

Stuffing all my sadness down, I gather up all the inner rage I can muster. “I think we’re done, Mateo,” I say, voice icy. His eyes are red and glisten with tears, but he doesn’t say anything in response. I push past him and start walking down the sidewalk away from AOPi.

“I think we should sleep on this and try to talk tomorrow, Lana, when we’ve both had time to calm down,” Mateo says, jogging after me.

“No, we’ve said all there is to say,” I assert with more resolution than I feel, not bothering to turn around. “We’re done talking. We’re done.”

I hear Mateo’s steps pause, and he calls out, “Lana, at least walk back to AOPi. I won’t get in your way. You can’t walk alone around town after dark.”

Pivoting to face him, I scream, “YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE WHAT I DO WITH MY LIFE!” My chest is heaving and my eyes fill with tears again, so I quickly turn back around so he won’t see. “Don’t follow me!”

I continue speed-walking down the sidewalk, taking a right on the next street to put some distance between us. I hear the faint sound of a door slamming and truck engine starting. The flash of headlights passes behind me, and I lean over and dry heave.

I quickly survey my surroundings and recognize the next street as one where several professors have houses. Seems like a reasonably safe choice to sit and wallow. I walk down and sit with my back against a tree, hidden from the street.

Oh God. Please let this all be a nightmare. A sob gathers in my chest.

He didn’t tell me.

He doesn’t trust me.

He let me go.

I cover my face with my hands and weep.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Iquietly let myself into the AOPi house shortly after 1:00 a.m. I’m hoping it’s late enough that I can sneak through without seeing anyone. Tiptoeing upstairs, I listen outside our bedroom door but am met with silence. Moving quietly through the room, I gather my shower stuff and some pajamas.

It was too cold to sit outside as long as I did, but every time I thought I was done crying a new wave crashed over me. Mateo texted me begging to talk, then begging me to at least let him know I was safe. After the fourth time he called me, I finally texted him back: I’m safe. Leave me alone. Then I blocked his number.

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