Page 15 of Love and Other Goals

Before I start spilling all of my confusion out onto paper, I need to center my thoughts on God, to ask him for help understanding what I’m feeling. I open up to one of my favorite Psalms.

Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock. My refuge is in God. Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before him. God is our refuge. Psalm 62:5-8.

I take a deep breath and then open my leather journal, which was a gift from my mom for my birthday last month. Sometimes I write down my thoughts about a verse I read, sometimes I write down what I’m praying, and other times my thoughts just come flooding out of my pen onto the pages, which is precisely what happens now.

I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. Aaron has been my crush for so long. I’ve talked with him so often over the past two years, admired him, laughed at his jokes, even danced with him at homecoming showcase. My crush on Aaron has been a central feature of my college experience.

I pause from writing to drink my coffee and think for a minute.

I’m almost afraid to not like Aaron. I’m comfortable liking him. My senses are tuned to find him in a room, I’ve learned to pick up on his subtle compliments and flirting. I’ve mastered the art of sending him signals that I like him without coming out and saying it. And…I know he could fit with my future.

I sigh.

I’ve also cried several times over the years because I thought he was going to say something about our relationship but never did. I’d get my hopes up only to end up let down. I came into this year with incredibly high expectations of something finally happening between us now that we’re seniors. And I just don’t know. On the one hand, Aaron does still seem to be giving me signals that he’s interested in me. But he also had a perfect opportunity at Lake Games and didn’t take it. What if my hopes for Aaron get let down yet again, and meanwhile I miss out on something different with Mateo?

I drain what’s left of my coffee and get up to refill. I need more caffeine before writing another word about Mateo. Settling back into my seat, I pick up my pen and stare at the page. Where to start?

I’ve never been more surprised by anything in my life than by what Mateo said to me. Not just that he told me he liked me—but the way he told me he liked me. All the evidence he presented of his feelings. That was not a small amount of evidence!! The fact that he has been paying close enough attention to know so much about me is still blowing my mind.

I pause again and try to think back on the past few years of my friendship with Mateo. We were on the student leadership team with Arrow starting sophomore year, so was he noticing things about me already then? Has he really liked me that long without letting on?

We were both group leaders at the Summer Project after sophomore year. I was so dialed in to Aaron that summer, mentally noting his every move and comment in meetings, attempting to nonchalantly sit near to him as often as wasn’t obvious. Aaron kept giving me a string of hints that he was interested in dating, so I was convinced heading into junior year that we would become official at some point. But was I getting in my own way of noticing other guys around me because I was too intensely focused on Aaron?

Mateo mentioned breakfast duty that summer, and I suddenly remember that he was the other volunteer one of the mornings. Amaya and I signed up together for Thursdays, but when they still needed another leader to help on Tuesdays, I offered to do it. Mateo and I spent an hour together every Tuesday morning, brewing carafes of coffee and getting breakfast ready for all the participants before everyone left for work. And yes, I always had music playing from my phone. I’d forgotten all the conversations we had that summer about our small groups, the Bible study, the people we met at our jobs.

Another memory hits—we carpooled to work every day that summer along with two other leaders. Mateo worked at a different retail store in the same outlet mall as I did. All that time, I enjoyed our casual friendship, but I was too busy thinking about Aaron to mentally catalog my interactions with Mateo. And I had zero clue that he saw me as anything more. Can I see him as something more?

I pick my pen back up.

Maybe I could like Mateo? It’s hard to picture liking someone else other than Aaron. I feel like I don’t know Mateo well enough to know if I could LIKE him like him. Then again, that’s my own fault because I’ve been so obsessed with Aaron (I’m not going to admit to Amaya that I used the word obsessed). Mateo proved that we’ve interacted enough over the years for him to know me, so I just haven’t paid enough attention to know him. But now I have a chance—he’s asking me for a chance for me to get to know him. It would be dumb not to take that chance, right?

What if taking that chance with Mateo doesn’t work out, but it does drive Aaron away? What if I can’t break out of my mindset of liking Aaron enough to give Mateo a real shot? What if Mateo changes his mind? Or what if his future isn’t compatible with mine??

Similar panicked thoughts continue to appear on the pages of my journal until my hand is cramped. I flip back through the pages I’ve written, quickly scanning my thought dump for high points that will tell me what to do. But everything is too confused and all over the place to be much help.

I close my eyes and think back over the weekend. Mateo stepping in to be my partner at Lake Games when I was feeling the sting of Aaron’s rejection. Not to mention him getting into a kayak with me when he is literally terrified of deep water.

I think about his eyes at Bookafe yesterday. The warmth when he smiled as he told me all of my own favorite things, the hint of fear when he was awaiting my response to his date request. The relief that flooded into them when I said yes.

Calm settles over me as I realize that even if I have no idea how things are going to turn out, at least I know the next step. Going on a date with Mateo is the right move, especially doing so with an open mind. Or open heart, I guess you could say.

I suppose I’ll figure the rest out later.

CHAPTER EIGHT

After sitting and writing for so long, I need some physical movement to help clear my head. I decide to go for a walk around campus, but first drop my stuff off at AOPi. Teegan is reading her Bible in the living room when I walk through, and she raises her eyebrows at me. “Someone wasn’t in our room early this morning…Did someone have trouble sleeping because someone was busy thinking about a very intriguing someone?”

I quickly glance around to make sure no one is listening, then shush her. “Super subtle, Teegs,” I call back to her as I head out the side door toward campus.

Teegan wanted to immediately broadcast to all of Townsend that I was going on a date with the most eligible bachelor on campus, but I swore her and Amaya to secrecy. I’m still having a hard time coming to grips with this reality, and I don’t need the added pressure of nosy people’s judgments of my own eligibility in this situation.

Speaking of judgy people, I walk right into Bailey where the sidewalks from AOPi and TriAlpha converge.

I give her what hopefully passes as a smile. “Sorry about that, just lost in my thoughts.” Unfortunately, she’s headed the same direction as I am, so we fall into step beside each other. “So, how are things at TriAlpha going?” I ask. Encouraging her to talk about how awesome her sorority is seems like a good way to avoid her asking me any questions.

“Oh, fantastic,” she gushes. “We got the best girls from the pledge class this year, so we’re having a great start to the semester.” She drones on for another couple of minutes about all the fabulous things about their A+ new pledges, naturally mentioning the heavy influence she had on their selection list. “Girls are already fighting over who will get to be involved in the homecoming events, so I’ll have a lot of tough decisions to make when we put teams together.”

“Sounds intense,” I say, trying to tell her what she seems to want to hear.

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