Page 67 of Ciaran

“How, Ciaran? How are you going to fix it?”

He pinches the bridge of his nose, his control close to snapping. “I don’t fucking know, but I will.” His eyes narrow. “What I’m more concerned about, Mia, is your capitulation.”

I glare at him across the table. “Are you kidding me? Capitulation? I’m trying to protect you. I’m trying to protect your entire family.”

“And what about you, huh? Who’s going to protect you?” He pokes a finger to his chest. “Me. That’s my fucking job. If you don’t believe in me, in us, then maybe our relationship isn’t as strong as I thought.”

Bitterness leaches through his tone. Yet despite his obvious hurt and disappointment, I lash out. Pressing my palms hard into the table, I lean forward.

“You want me to trust you to fix this?” I hiss. “What about you trusting me? Do you realize how insulting it is that you haven’t even considered whether I have a plan? And in case you’re interested, I do. Tanner thinks he’s getting back the downtrodden Millie who ran away from her abusive marriage all those months ago with her self-worth in tatters. Well, he’s not. By going back as the woman I am now, the woman you helped create”—I accentuate my pointed comment with a finger poke in his direction—“he won’t be able to control me. I’ll be the one manipulating him, defying him at every turn, refusing to bend to his will. By the time I’m done, it’ll be Tanner kicking me out.”

“And how long do you think this will all take to play out?” Ciaran asks, rubbing absently at his arms.

I nibble on a fingernail. “I don’t know. A few months, maybe.”

“No fucking way. A few months? Of you, what, living together with him? I can’t believe you’re even considering this.”

“Ciaran, if I’m there, I can look for the footage. If I find that, his leverage is gone. And in the meantime, I know Tanner. He won’t be able to handle my defiance. He’ll kick me out eventually.”

Ciaran massages his forehead. “You’re wrong, Mia. Men like him never give up. He’ll never let you go. He’ll just keep on trying to break you down again and again. Can’t you see that? And what about the reason you left in the first place? What if this time he uses one of those knives on you? Or a gun?”

He’s right, but I have to believe that Tanner’s cowardice will stop him short of committing a violent act.

“He won’t. I know him better than he knows himself. He controls people through manipulating them emotionally. I’ve never seen him violent with anyone.”

Ciaran pinches the bridge of his nose. “There’s always a first time, Mia. Always.”

He’s breaking my heart. “Please, I’m begging you to trust me.”

His nostrils flare as he expels a heavy breath. “And if he tries to touch you sexually? Have you even thought about that. What will you do if he does? Will you sleep with him?”

“No!” I’m aghast at the suggestion. “Seriously? Of course I won’t damn well sleep with him.”

“I know you won’t want to sleep with him, but you don’t know what he’s capable of. Whatever damage he’s done to you in the past has only scratched the surface. I guarantee he’s seething that you left him, and he didn’t see it coming. He’ll want to dominate and assert his power over you. He’ll want to share his bed with his wife.” His voice breaks.

“Ciaran, you know that I could never do that. I’d never cheat on you. This is the last thing I want. Please—” Tears well up in my eyes. “I’m trying to do the best thing for everyone.”

“It’s too dangerous. Even if he doesn’t touch you physically, it’s not worth the risk to you emotionally.”

I press my lips into a straight line. After everything we’ve been through, he doesn’t have any faith in me. “I’m stronger now. Tanner’s words can’t hurt me anymore.”

“You may be stronger now, but how are you going to feel after a week or a month of being with him?”

I reach across the table and capture his hand, needing to connect with him on a physical level to have any hope of getting through to him. “You’ve made me strong again, Ciaran. You built me up with kindness and strength, compassion and belief. Trust me to work on fixing this from my end, and I’ll trust you to do the same. I won’t stop searching for that footage, and maybe you can use your resources to search for it, too. It’s the only way.”

He sweeps a hand over his beard and squeezes his eyes closed. When he opens them, they’ve lost all of their sparkle, turning them from a vibrant emerald green to a dull moss. “Do you know what you going back to him is gonna do to me?” he croaks.

“I’m not going back to him. I’m living in his house and playing his stupid games until the time comes to strike. And it will.”

He stares into middle distance, his face blank. Silent minutes stretch between us. I know the time to leave has come, but I can’t bring myself to walk away. Not yet. Not like this.

“Ciaran, talk to me.”

His gaze inches back to mine. “There’s nothing else to say, is there?”

Icy tentacles close around my heart, and a fat tear rolls down my cheek. I scramble to my feet. “I can’t imagine being without you for even one day. I’ll be thinking of you every second we’re apart until we’re back together again.”

As I move past him, he catches my arm. The desolation in his eyes tears me apart.

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