Page 147 of Chaos

SEVENTY

JAX

Song- Telomeres, Sleep Token.

My head is pounding as I wait for the machine to finish pouring Sofia’s coffee. I tossed and turned all night, trying to form the words to tell her what’s been going on inside my head.

How do I explain to her that I hate myself?

Can she seriously forgive and want to be with someone as fucked up as I am? How can she even trust me again?

I still don’t have a clue what happened. What if I black out again?

Sofia’s eyes light up with a smile as I hand her the steaming mug, and she promptly sits up in bed. She takes a small sip and sets it down on the nightstand as I crawl across the mattress next to her, resting my back against the headboard.

“Did you sleep okay?” she asks softly, like she’s walking on eggshells.

“Once I had you in my arms, I seemed to.” I answer honestly.

She shuffles herself closer to me and rests against my shoulder. Her sweet scent of strawberries fills the air, momentarily distracting me from my restless thoughts.

“We need to talk, Jax.” Her voice is full of concern.

She sits herself back up and I’m already missing her touch. Running my hands over my face, I fight the fear that I’ll lose her.

Is she going to push me away?

She might have just been saying all those things to stop me, not because she meant them. The more I delve into my own mind, the more my palms grow clammy.

I feel her soft touch on my cheek and I open my eyes to find myself looking right into her beautiful green eyes.

“What’s going on in there, baby? Remember we talk, no more side stepping. Speak to me. I want to listen. I want to help you, we have to get you through this.”

I swallow.

She’s right. I just don’t know where to start, or how much to even tell her without scaring her off. There is only so much fucked up one person can handle. But, I need my family back. It hits me with a pain in the chest. This is my home. Even if Kai were here, this would still be my home.

“I honestly don’t know where to begin,” I say, it’s a half-truth. I kinda need her to drag this out of me. Prove to me that whatever fucked up stuff I have going on in my head, she isn’t running.

My mind is a swarm of death and destruction. One after another, piling on top of me until it crushes me.

“Let’s start with last night,” she breathes.

She positions herself in front of me, cross-legged. She reaches forward and laces her fingers through mine. I look down at our entwined hands and smile.

“I saw what the damage I was doing to you, I spiraled. I thought you’d all be better off without me.”

Fuck. The words burn as they come out of my mouth and I see the sadness on her face. She’s trying to hide it, I know. She wants to protect me from the pain I cause.

I release my hand from hers and twirl the rings on my fingers.

“There is more to this than just what happened between us, isn’t there?” she asks.

I’m shutting down. I can feel it happening. She moves closer, shifting onto her knees so that our faces are just inches apart.

The softness in her touch as she runs her fingers through my hair soothes me.

“I know you’re holding back on me, Jax. We can’t keep running from this, it won’t work. So I’m going to say something. Is that okay?”

---