Page 143 of Chaos

I clutch the card in my hands like my life depends on it.

“You wait here.” I rush out the words to Nikolai and throw myself out of the car before he can even come to a complete stop, paying no attention to the relentless rain beating against my body.

Through my teary eyes, I frantically race ahead, my feet carrying me as fast as they can. Why didn’t I see this? How the hell did I miss how depressed he is? Why did I let him get to this point?

I. Should. Have. Known.

As I enter the elevator and hit the penthouse button, a wave of apprehension washes over me. I will give anything for him to still be with us.

Shit, I feel like I’m about to pass out.

The doors slide open and I cautiously step into the room. My cheeks are wet with tears, and I desperately try to stifle my sobs.

Jax is slouched on a barstool with a gun in his grasp resting it on the kitchen counter. He doesn’t even look at me. With each spin of the cylinder, it emits a faint metallic sound, adding to the tension in the air.

“Jax,” I say softly, tiptoeing to him.

With a deliberate pace, he lifts his head. His gaze is seemingly directed towards me, yet somehow elsewhere. It’s like looking at a ghost. His eyes are completely vacant.

“Get out.”

I pause, taken aback by the sharpness in his voice. This isn’t him. This isn’t my Jax.

I shake my head. I have no idea what to do. As my heart races, the sound of my blood pulsating in my ears becomes deafening, and I clutch at my skin, fighting to control the mounting panic. I can’t let him do this. I cannot lose him.

How can I show him just how much I love him, how much I need him, when he can’t see it for himself?

What I do now can change our entire future. I can’t mess this up. I need to do right by him this time, whatever it takes.

He might be breaking. If he is, I have to be our strength to get him through this.

“I can’t let you do this, Jax. I need you to put the gun down.” I stay where I am, keeping my tone firm but soft.

Jax is the strongest man I’ve ever met. Now, I’m watching the man with the brightest smile and the ability to make anyone laugh reach his breaking point. His inner turmoil has been hidden from the world for so long, eating away at him without any of us noticing.

“Let me do this, Sof. I can’t fucking live like this anymore. I need to stop this cycle before I ruin you, too.” His voice breaks as he flips the cylinder open, spins it and snaps it back.

I can feel desperation consuming me, causing my body to shudder with fear. I have to get through to him.

“You will not ruin us, Jax. We need you. We love you. Think about Maeve. Your daughter needs you.” I choke out the last words.

“You don’t mean that. You shouldn’t be here, Sof. Just forget about me, it’s for the best.” His words almost come out a whisper.

“We can’t live without you. I am begging you, Jax. Please don’t leave me.” I take a careful step forward and watch his grip tighten on the pistol. Shit.

“I mean every single word, Jax.” I take another step.

He looks down at his revolver.

“Without you, I’m lost, Jax. I can’t survive the rest of my life without you in it. I love you, Jax.”

“You’re lying. You hate me. I deserve it.”

This time, after he spins the cylinder there is a harsh crack as he shuts it. It feels final.

“I swear on Maeve’s life. I am not lying to you, Jax. Please put it down. We can talk about this.”

“Talk about what? Nothing can fix me! You told me that yourself! I’m broken. I’m already fucking dead inside. I have been for years. What difference does it make? Just leave me alone!”

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