Page 132 of Chaos

“Dadda, Dadda,” she babbles.

“I missed you too, tigryonok.” Giving her a tender kiss on the top of her curly hair, I meet Sofia’s gaze across the room.

My chest aches seeing the pain etched on her face. I don’t think I can handle seeing her cry again, so I turn away. “Let’s read a book, okay?” Setting Maeve down, she runs to her shelf and picks up her favorite alphabet book.

It’s the one I got her, full of motorcycles in the shapes of the letters.

She drops it unceremoniously on my lap and lifts her arms for me to pick her up.

I think we’re around letter N or M when I hear Sofia’s heels on the tiles clicking closer.

“Mommy has to go. I’ll be home at eight.” She leans and touches her lips against Maeve’s temple, inches away from me.

Close enough I can smell her sweet strawberry scent.

“I love you.” Sofia glances at me, tears welling in the corners of her big green eyes, before she pulls away.

Should I tell her I love her, too?

Because I do. More than anything.

But, before I can decide, she’s gone.

I guess I must have stopped reading, because Maeve starts squirming and pats the page with her palm.

“I’m sorry. You know Daddy loves you and Mommy? I hope you do.” I squeeze her a little closer and continue the book.

Z feels so final.

I hate that it’s the end. Picking up story after story, they all do.

There’s a last page for each one.

Even the most exciting tales, and colorful pages, have a final scene.

A happily ever after.

Except mine.

I guess I tore mine out. Shredded into a million pieces.

After changing Maeve into a clean diaper and her pajamas, I carry her back to her room.

The giant teddy bear that I won for her is sitting on a small playtable in the corner.

“Oh! Remember when Daddy got this? Wasn’t that fun?” Bouncing her on my hip, I pick up the overstuffed arm and wave it at her.

Her cheeks turn red and her mouth drops before she lets out a shrieking wail.

Shit. Fuck.

“Shh. It’s okay. That mean old bear can stay in the corner.” Turning away quickly, I drag it behind me so she can’t see and push it out of her room with my foot.

It doesn’t matter what I do, I always choose wrong.

After a few minutes of fussing, she finally settles down and rubs her eyes tiredly. Giving her one last hug, I lower her into her crib.

“I hope you know how much I love you.” When I shut the door, I hear the garage door opening.

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