Page 121 of Chaos

“Tell me! You’re freaking me out!” I can’t take much more than this. With every second that goes by, it’s like I’m crumbling to pieces.

He looks up at the ceiling. “I slept with someone else, Sof.”

My heart stops, and a deafening silence fills the air. As he whispers those words, a sharp pang of pain shoots through my body.

“No,” I shake my head rapidly.

He wouldn’t do this to me. He couldn’t. He was talking about marrying me last night. He wasn’t even drunk. This is like he did yesterday. When he’s hurting, he pushes away the ones he loves.

“You’re lying. You’re trying to push me away, aren’t you?”

I reach out and firmly grip his face, making him meet my gaze. He’s broken, really fucking broken.

This isn’t him. This is not my Jax talking. He would never destroy me like this.

“I wish I was lying.” He sounds defeated. This isn’t him getting ‘caught’ like Brody was. This is him, purely devastated. As my heart breaks, I can feel my chest tightening and cracking.

Everything we had is falling to pieces and I can’t fix this. I can’t save him either. But, as I look into his eyes, something isn’t right. This isn’t a guy who has gone out and fucked someone to hurt me. The man I love is in there.

I can feel the wetness of my tears as they slowly trickle down my cheeks. The walls are starting to close in on me.

“Why are you trying to make me hate you, Jax?” My voice breaks as I speak.

His own eyes well up. “Trust me, you could never hate me as much as I hate myself.”

As I stumble back, my gasps for air become desperate, my chest heaving in an attempt to catch my breath. “Y-you love me, you wanted to marry me. You wouldn’t do this. You don’t do this shit to people you love, Jax.”

“Fuck, I do love you. I love you more than anything in this shitty life. That’s one thing I am sure of. But I don’t know how good I’ve got it until I fuck it all up.” His eyes snap up to mine and it’s like I don’t recognize the man staring back at me.

“That’s exactly why I think you’re doing this on purpose. This isn’t you, Jax. You aren’t a cheater. I don’t believe you would do this to us.”

Desperate for comfort, I embrace myself tightly as his harsh words echo in the room.

“Stop making excuses for me! Stop trying to make me into someone I’m not. I woke up, with my dick pressing against a blonde’s ass. I called her Sof, for fuck’s sake. I thought she was you. I don’t remember a fucking thing, but I did it. I broke us. I’ve destroyed every good thing in my life. Is that what you need to hear? Does that make you believe me? I fucked another woman, Sofia. Listen to what I am telling you.”

The impact of his cruel words causes my hands to quiver.

“I am not the man you think I am. Take me off that pedestal. I will never be him. I will only ever be the guy who screws everything up. I am nothing to anyone.” He slumps onto the arm of the couch.

My body trembles, but I can't help but shake my head in disbelief.

“Who was she?” I whisper.

He shrugs, lowering his head. Just like his piece of shit brother did to me. Anger rips through me. He wants me to flip. To hate him.

“Look at me, Jax. Break my heart. You want me to hate you? Well, you’re getting your wish.” My nails dig into my palms as my fists clench.

“I don’t know, Sof. I don’t know what the fuck happened. But, I can’t take it back now. I ruined us.”

As my cries intensify, they drown out all other noise. Through the tears, everything becomes a blurry mess. “Why? Why would you do this to us? Did we really mean that little to you?” I’m almost hysterical at this point.

“You mean everything to me.”

That’s why this hurts so bad. We will never be able to get back this love.

I launch myself at him, beating my fists against his chest.

He lets me. He doesn’t even try to stop me until I’m too weak to swing.

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