Page 150 of Chaos

Sadness engulfs me.

“That was until I found you again, and Maeve. You gave me something to want to live for. I was happy, I loved every fucking moment.”

We make eye contact and she sniffs.

I lower my head, shame creeping back over me at what I’ve done.

“And then I ruined it all. I hurt you, I lost myself. I didn’t see a way out. I thought you’d all be better off without me. You would be happier if I was dead.”

I gulp down the lump in my throat.

“Oh, Jax. I know it might feel like that, but I’d be so lost without you and so would Maeve. The world would be so black and grey.”

She propels herself towards me and jumps into my lap, holding me tight. Keeping me together.

“How do I fix this, Sof? What if it happens again? What if next time I can’t claw myself out and you aren’t there to help me?” I whisper.

She pulls back, I can feel her brain working as she studies me.

“I think you need to talk to a professional, Jax. We can find someone who can keep it confidential. Do you still want to, umm…”

She pauses, like she’s struggling to say the words.

“No. I don’t think so.” I say it with all of the confidence I can muster. This second, it’s true. But, she’s right. I do need help. I can’t do that to her again.

She blows out a breath. How the fuck did I get this bad?

“Do you ever talk about him? Remember him?” she asks, tilting her head.

“I try my hardest not to. It works best if I bury it.”

She runs her hands through her hair. It’s too real, too final when I speak about Kai out loud in the past tense. So instead, I let it gnaw away at me for years and fester inside.

Her palm works up and down the length of my arm. “Do you want to try? With me? What about one funny memory?”

Part of me wants to run away, but then I remember her face last night. The torture in her eyes as she desperately tried to save me.

She put a damn knife to her throat to stop me from hurting myself.

She deserves this. So, I tell her the first thing that pops into my head.

“Probably the time when he crashed his bicycle and flew over the handles. We’d just got our bikes, well, stolen them, and were trying to get away from the cops. It was always me that found the trouble, and Kai was there behind me cleaning it up.”

“Like a brother.” She looks up at me.

“Exactly.”

Okay. That wasn’t so bad. The memory replays in my head and I feel myself smile.

I reach out and touch her cheek. “He would have liked you.”

“You think?”

“Yep. You keep me in check. Would have saved him a job. And you are the purest, most amazing woman on this earth. It would be harder not to love you.”

“You know I don’t mind keeping you in check.” She smiles.

“You shouldn’t have to. Hell, he shouldn’t have had to either.” My breath catches, and I tip my head back against the couch as tears sting in my eyes.

---