Page 149 of Chaos

I might not have killed him, but I pulled him into this life. I’m responsible for that. He would want to beat the shit out of me for being like this. For not living when he was gone.

“Hey, baby.”

I can hear Sofia speaking and I struggle to find my way to her. I’m just so fucking lost.

The moment she embraces me, I lean in and rest my head against her shoulder. How many times does she need to see me fall apart? This isn’t fair for her.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t see this earlier.”

I don’t know how long I cling onto her. But, I do until I don’t feel like I’m drowning anymore.

“Jax, I really do love you, I hope you realize that.” Her voice is hoarse, as if she’s been sobbing for hours.

“I love you, Sof. I will never stop.”

“I know.” She leans back and wipes away my tears. At the same time I brush hers away with my thumb.

“Quite the pair, huh?” I joke. When she smiles, it makes my heart flutter.

“How about we go make some breakfast? I’m starving. Then we can talk some more, get Maeve, and then we can stay up all night if we have to? We get this out. Does that sound okay?”

I hesitate. I want to scream “yes”. I know I need to get this off my chest. I just don’t know if I can physically do it. But, I want to try.

“No matter what you tell me, I’m never leaving your side. I’ve got you, we are a team, a family. Please let me love you, Jax. Will you let me do that?”

She presses her nose against mine.

For her, I’ll do just about anything. “I can do that, sweetheart.”

It feels totally natural cooking in the kitchen with Sof. So much so, I forget about everything else, other than us, for a few minutes.

As we sit on the couch with our food, she rests her legs on my lap and gives me a playful smile.

I know she is the one to get me through this. I’m not alone anymore. Nikolai reminded me too as I went to get out of the car last night. We are family.

When I finish my sandwich, I place the plate down and rub small circles on her calf.

“What’s wrong with me, Sof? How can I think like this when I have you and Maeve? What kind of man does that make me?” I shake my head, almost asking myself the question. I don’t understand what is going on in my brain.

“Because you aren’t well, Jax. You can’t help it, just because we can’t see what’s going on up there.” She taps her head. “Doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. You’re the strongest person I know. Just admitting how you feel is proof of that. Men have feelings too. You shouldn’t be afraid to speak about them, not with me.”

It doesn’t mean I’m not ashamed of it. I close my eyes. Trying to compose myself, maybe I can finally talk about Kai without my throat feeling like it’s about to close in on me. It was at that moment, the turning point in my life, when everything shifted, and I knew I would never be the same.

The day I descended into a dark place that I never truly left.

I keep my eyes fixed on the wall in front of me. I can do this.

“It started after Kai died. Not long before I met you. That night with you was the first time I’d felt alive since I buried him.”

I know she knows how that feels with her parents’ death.

“Loss can do some awful things to you, did you ever stop and grieve for him?” she whispers.

“No. I distracted myself. I’ve been numb for two years. Fighting, killing, whatever I can do to get through the day. When I sleep, all I can picture is his body crushed under the rubble. And, the blood pouring from his head.”

I take a breath as the words tumble out of my mouth and run my hand over my face.

“It’s like I died with him too that day, except I wasn’t the one put into the ground.”

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