Page 140 of Chaos

“No. I need to find Jax. Now. I think he’s going to hurt himself.” I choke as I say the words out loud.

Nikolai murmurs something in Russian, his voice is barely audible. “Hurt himself?”

I swallow down the urge to vomit again.

“He left Maeve a letter.”

The line goes silent for a second. “Stay where you are. We are coming to you and then we find him.”

“Please be quick. I can’t lose him.”

“We won’t.”

As I walk back into Maeve’s room, I pick the note up off the floor and more tears stream down my face.

“Please, Jax. Don’t do this to us,” I whisper, as if he can somehow hear me.

I wish he knew just how much we love him.

I pick Maeve up and cuddle her tightly against me. She looks just like him. She can’t lose her daddy. As I wait for Nikolai, I keep calling Jax over and over.

Nothing.

Every failed call threatens to break me.

SIXTY-SIX

JAX

Song, Can You Feel My Heart, Bring Me The Horizon.

Broken.

Alone.

Hopeless.

I have nothing left to fight for.

My body could go on living- but my brain wants me to die. My heart and soul already feel like they have.

As the rain pours down, I twist the throttle. Even riding has lost its impact. It once was my solace, the place I felt closest to Kai. Now all I can see is his lifeless body, the agony on Sofia’s face when I broke us. The blood. Every memory I have shows the truth. I destroy.

Like a relentless illness, I tear through the lives of those I care about. There is only one thing you can do with this kind of toxic; you kill it before it takes over.

I see the red light at the junction. My heart races as I speed up. The scene becomes a blur as horns beep incessantly and water sprays. In that small fraction of time, I find a temporary escape from this torment. My brain stops, I am free.

That is my only way out of this. I have to break this cycle.

Yet, with every dark thought, I have this nagging voice in the back of my mind, screaming at me. What about Maeve? How can you do this to your daughter?

Brody’s words are looping in my head. What if she isn’t even mine?

I don’t know what to believe anymore. In this sick and twisted life, that constantly rips my heart out. It could be true.

My eyes burn making it even harder to see the road. It’s too late for me to fix myself, to be the father she needs.

Even if she wasn’t mine, I will always love my little girl.

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