Page 139 of Chaos

As I lean against the side of Maeve’s crib, I open the letter, my heart pounding in my chest. Transparent blobs can be seen in the top corner where it’s gotten wet.

His words pierce through me, filling me with his raw agony. My entire world crumbles around me. I have to physically hold myself upright to stop my legs from buckling underneath me.

I had no idea the depth of his pain.

To my baby girl, my tigryonok.

I want you to know just how much I love you. Even if you only had me in your life for a brief time. Know that it meant more to me than you can imagine.

I hope you grow up to be just like your beautiful mommy.

Kind, brave, a Queen.

But most of all. I just hope you can be happy.

That is all I wish for, baby.

I will always regret not being a good enough father for you. Trust me, everything will be better for you without me. That doesn’t mean you don’t own my heart and my soul. Because you do.

I hope one day, you can forgive me for leaving you like this.

Even though I might not be here, know that I will always be watching over you. I’m doing this to set you and mommy free.

I’m sure one day she can tell you about the chaos that follows me, I didn’t want that for you. It had to stop. The pain had to stop for me.

I wish I could have fought harder and been the man you both deserved. I just couldn’t do it anymore.

The smiles I had for you two, they were the only real ones I’d experienced in a long, long time.

Daddy will love you and mommy forever. More than you can ever imagine.

I’m so sorry.

When we meet again in the next life, I promise I’ll be stronger for you.

All my love, forever.

Daddy. Xxxx

My vision blurred by tears, I watch as the paper slips from my grasp and floats to the floor. I collapse beside it, the impact against the wooden surface echoing through the room. The full weight of what he’s trying to tell me slowly sinks in.

That last line.

Jax wants to die.

He’s that miserable, he doesn’t see a way out anymore.

I let the man I love believe he is worthless.

How didn’t I see this? How did I miss how much torture he was dealing with? How could I let him down like this?

The overwhelming need to throw up takes over. I scramble out of the room and empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

I can hear Maeve calling for me, but I need to find him.

With shaking hands, I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial his number again. This time, when he doesn’t answer, I call Nikolai, who picks up on the first ring.

“Sofia, is everything okay?” I shake my head, pulling at my hair.

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