Page 124 of Chaos

Garbage for ruining her trust.

Dragging myself out of the twisted sheets of his spare room, I walk barefooted down the hall with my shirt in one hand and my boots in my other.

Nikolai shrugs on a black leather jacket then looks down his nose at me. “What are you doing?”

“I’m getting my stuff on.” Slumping onto his couch, I glance at the little plastic kitchen set that my daughter and his were playing with together, just a few nights ago.

When I stomped everything into the ground.

“Niet.” He waves his hand in a large circle towards me. “You need to delouse yourself before you ride in my car.”

I’m pulling on my second shoe, but stop and stare blankly at him.

“I don’t know what that means.”

“Scrub. Clean. Your. Filth.” He sounds each word out and stabs his finger towards me for emphasis. Shrugging his shoulders, he sits down on a chair near the door. “You could have bugs by now, like a street dog in the cesspools.”

“You’re so damn nice, Niki. Anyone ever tell you what a pleasant disposition you have?” Tugging my feet free, I leave my boots where they lay and stomp my way back to the bedroom.

It seems I’m inconvenient to everyone.

God, this hurts.

Useless. I feel like a burden.

And, I only have myself to blame.

Grabbing a half-full bottle of tequila, I strip off my pants and stumble into the shower.

Just a swallow or two, enough to cut the pain.

I can smell myself as the hot water scalds over me.

Why do I see her face every time I close my eyes? The agony etched across her features when I told her what I did.

Knowing that I did that to her, I deserve every piece of punishment.

No one can be happy around me. I am the destroyer.

The King of Chaos.

Why?

This torment in me grows with every anguished thought. I’ve lost so many, and each one has torn a piece of me away until I’m hollow.

Used.

Broken.

Loud thuds break through as I lean against the cold tile.

“Stop jacking off in my shower! We need to go!” Nikolai’s deep voice carries over the streaming water.

Cutting the flow, it’s not until I’m half dried off I realize I didn’t even soap up.

Giving myself a fast sniff test, at least I cut the grime by half.

Good enough.

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