Page 123 of Chaos

Because even when I don’t want to, I still fucking love him. It might hurt me for the rest of my life. But I will never stop loving this man.

I will always belong to him.

“Don’t break our little girl’s heart, Jax. I beg you. You’re still her father. She loves you. Do the right thing by her. If you don’t, I’ll never forgive you.”

In all of this, she is our priority. She always will be.

“You really think she needs a piece of shit father like me around? Honestly?”

As he runs a hand through his hair, a sigh escapes his lips. His defeated expression is impossible to ignore. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders and he has no-one to blame but himself this time. He did this.

“Yes. I don’t care how much you hurt me. Don’t do that to her. You aren’t that guy, Jax. Whatever it is you have going on, that self-destructive mode, fix it. Before you break yourself. Be better for her.” Pushing past him, I go back downstairs, where Maeve is fussing.

His boots echo on the tile as he follows me.

I can’t even look at him. Every time I do, another part of me shatters inside. Picking Maeve up from her playpen, I hug her tight. It’s as if she is the only thing holding me together.

Jax nervously hovers by the entrance, looking lost.

“Just go, Jax.”

My voice cracks as I say the words. With the front door closing, I avert my gaze towards the window, finally allowing myself to let it all out.

With each passing moment, the pain gradually fades, replaced by a numbing sensation that engulfs me completely.

SIXTY

JAX

Song- Never Know, Bad Omens

“Wake up.” Nikolai’s voice angrily breaks through the blackness.

I don’t want to open my eyes. It’s another day. Twenty-four hours longer that I’ve been away from her.

How many days has it been?

“Jax.” His deep voice cracks through again making my head pound.

It doesn’t hurt as much as my heart.

Nikolai is big enough, I’ve seen him crush skulls. Maybe I should ask him to squeeze mine until this pain goes away…

Bitter cold water splashes over me and my eyes jolt open to the blinding light.

“What the fuck?” Sitting up so fast doesn’t help the stars bursting in my vision.

I’m soaking wet and have ice cubes in my lap.

“That’s the cleanest you’ve been in a week.” Nikolai throws the empty plastic bucket at me, which bounces off of my shoulder. “Get up. Mikhail has a job for us.”

Groaning, I blink at him until some of the focus comes back. “You’re a shitty brother-in-law.”

Nikolai’s thick finger bluntly taps me in the middle of the forehead. “Don’t you dare drag Katerina into your bear den. You made this mess of your own life.” He straightens, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “I’m doing more than your own brother. Remember that.”

Brody.

I’m no better than him. Sofia is perfect. But, me? Him?

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