Page 112 of Chaos

With a kiss on the tip of my nose, I squeeze his ass.

“I’ll get her stuff ready, then we can leave.” As he pulls away, I grab hold of his arm to stop him.

“If it gets too much today, just tell me. We can leave and do something else. Whatever you need, okay?”

“Fuck, I love you, Sof.”

A wave of relief washes over me. He knows he can talk to me. He spoke more about Kai than I bet he has since it happened. A sparkle of life came back into him. I just wish I could heal some of his pain.

FIFTY-FOUR

JAX

Maybe this is the distraction I needed. The last few years, all I’ve done on today’s date is hide. Wallow. And drink enough that the time slips by.

But, watching my little girl waddle after Nikolai’s daughter puts a piece of calm back in my heart.

Alexei takes up the rear of the follow train behind Elena and Maeve.

I swear he’s the biggest child. Decked out with a tiara and a smear of lipstick that Elena applied to make him “pretty”, he’s the loudest of the three.

How can he be so wild, and so good with kids?

It’s nice he’s keeping them busy.

Nikolai sits in silence on one end of the couch, and I’m at the other.

Sofia and Lara are doing their best to get the decorations set around the elaborate birthday cake that Nikolai bought.

Sofia does look troubled when I ask her for another beer.

I don’t want to get up. I don’t want to talk.

Today, just existing outside of a bottle is a win for me.

My chest hurts watching Maeve’s flushed cheeks as she squeals in excitement when Alexei turns on his hands and knees and chases her.

He’s every bit the perfect uncle.

Like Kai would have been.

A knot twists in my throat. He should have had his chance. Not just to meet Maeve, but to be a daddy on his own.

He’d have been better than me.

Remembering how she cried when I punched that stupid bag makes tears well up in my eyes. Kai was gentle. Patient. He’d have done things right.

The girls shriek and run on opposite sides of Alexei before colliding behind him.

Shock blankets both of their faces before they both erupt into tears in unison.

Even their mouths form the same ‘o’ shape as they cry.

Sofia runs to both of them, gathering a girl in each arm before settling on the floor cross-legged and pulling them onto her lap.

She’s so perfect as a mom.

Seeing their curly dark hair bobbing in front of her makes me wish she had two.

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