Page 55 of Awakening

“I just don’t understand, though,” Caroline says. “I don’t understand how a mother doesn’t remember being pregnant. How does one forget her own child growing inside of her?”

“Mom!” Ethan’s hand tightens around mine.

“That’s enough, Caroline,” Edwin says, while Vanessa looks at me with pity in her eyes.

The anger and humiliation brew in my chest, while tears fill my eyes. I yank my hand from Ethan’s, stand, and throw my napkin on the table. “None of you have any idea what I’ve been going through.” I look at Caroline as my lower lip quivers. “How dare you judge me? Do you think I haven’t thought those things myself? Do you think I have no guilt over not being able to remember being pregnant with my own baby? Has it ever occurred to any of you that I can’t see her because I’m ashamed?” My chest heaves as I let the tears fall.

“Olivia,” Ethan says, reaching for me, but I yank my hand away from him.

“I haven’t seen her because she deserves more than me,” I say, breaking into full sobs. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to wake up and learn you’ve forgotten five years of your life? Years that were apparently some of my happiest, but I wouldn’t know because I can’t remember them.” I look at Ethan and shake my head.

“Do you know what it’s like to wake up and realize you’re not only five years older than you think you are, but you also have an instant fiancé? I have a man who is probably most women’s absolute dream, but it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t remember falling in love with him, or anything that comes after that.” I take a deep breath and wipe the tears from my face as everyone sits in silence. “Please, excuse me,” I say, leaving the dining room and walking out the front door.

I sink down to the steps on the front porch, burying my face in my hands and letting the tears flow. I hear Ethan’s shouts before the door opens and then slams behind me. He sits next to me, taking my hand and then wrapping his arm around me, and pulling me into him. He kisses me on my temple and sighs.

“Olivia, I’m sorry,” he whispers into my hair. “I’m so sorry.” I say nothing through my gasping breaths and shivers as I try to calm my crying in the chilly night air. “Let’s go home.” I nod as he guides me to my feet, still holding my hand as he leads me to his car. “Olivia, I…”

“Could we not talk for a bit, please?” I ask. “I just need a few minutes.” He nods and closes my door for me after I’m seated.

The drive home is quiet. Walking into the house in silence, I drop my handbag on the kitchen barstool.

“Olivia. We need to talk,” Ethan says.

“She hates me.” I can’t stop picturing his mother’s horrified face when he said we hadn’t been to see the baby yet.

“She doesn’t hate you,” he says, coming toward me. His phone chimes with a text, but he ignores it.

“Pfft. She has a funny way of showing she likes me then.”

His phone rings this time, and once again, he ignores it. “She’s just having a hard time wrapping her head around the loss,” he says.

“Stop. I don’t want to hear a line of bull defending her.”

“I’m—” He sighs. “I’m not feeding you a line of bull, Olivia. My mother doesn’t hate you.”

“Well, she certainly doesn’t like me. Who says such insensitive things?”

“I know. I’m sorry. She just?—”

Holding my hand up to him, I say, “Just stop, Ethan. I don’t even want to hear it. There’s no excuse for it.”

He hangs his head with a nod. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Do you agree with her?” I ask as tears pool in my lower lids again.

He frowns, shaking his head. “What? No. Of course, not.”

“I wish I could remember, Ethan,” I whisper.

He comes to me and rubs my arms with his large, warm hands. “Baby, I know.”

Ethan’s phone rings again, and at the same time his doorbell rings, followed by knocking. “Would you please just get that? Whoever it is obviously needs to talk to you.”

“Damn it,” he says, storming toward the front door and flinging it open. “Lance. I’m here with Olivia, so this better be fucking important.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt, but it’s definitely important that I speak with you.”

“Does it have to be now?”

---