Page 74 of Awakening

Ethan’s jaw stiffens as he steps toward the basinet. A tear runs down his cheek as his grip tightens around my hand. My arm stretches out as he walks forward, but I stand frozen stiff on the spot.

“Olivia,” he says calmly, looking back at me with pleading in his eyes. “Please, do this with me. I’m right here. We can do this together.”

My entire body shakes as I take the additional few steps to reach his side. My breath trembles when I finally lay eyes on her for the first time. I knew her skin may appear discolored, and that she would be tiny and delicate. What I didn’t expect is the immediate and unexpected connection I feel with her. I don’t remember being pregnant or having her, but still…I know her. My heart remembers her. I know she’s mine. And it hurts, so very much. The wet tears roll down my cheeks and onto my neck as Ethan pulls me in, and hugs me tight.

“I know,” I whisper against his chest.

He pulls back to look at me. “Do you remember?”

I shake my head. “No, but I just know. She’s ours.”

He nods and lifts my chin to kiss me softly before wrapping me in his arms again.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give her to you,” I say. “You would have been such a good father, Ethan.”

He pulls back and looks at me. “You have nothing to apologize for, Olivia, and our lives aren’t over,” he says, softly. “I will be a good father, and you, will be an excellent mother. We will have our family one day.” He takes my hand, and we stand together in front of Evelyn, memorizing her features. “She would have been beautiful like her mother,” he says.

I look up at him and give him a small smile. “And no doubt, a daddy’s girl,” I say as Ethan smiles in return.

“No arguments there.”

I take a step closer to the basinet. “Can we hold her?”

“I’ll get Kate,” Ethan says, going to the door. “Excuse me. We would like to hold her, please.”

“Yes, of course,” she says, coming back into the room. “I’ll just get things arranged.” She adjusts things for a few minutes and then lifts our baby from the basinet. “Mom, would you like to go first?” she asks, coming directly to me.

“Oh. Um, yes,” I say, taking the very tiny bundle from Kate’s hands.

“I’ll give you some privacy,” Kate says, leaving the room again.

I’m overcome with emotion at the feeling of holding her in my arms. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper as tears run down my cheeks. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, and I’m so sorry I don’t remember. But, I will. One day, sweet girl, I’m going to remember carrying you.”

“It’s okay, baby,” Ethan says, rubbing circles on my back.

We sit on the couch in the quiet room, taking turns holding her, talking to her, and crying for her. As we place Evelyn back into the basinet, we hold hands and look at her for what we know will be the last time.

“I will get justice for you, my sweet Evelyn,” Ethan says, then looks at me. “I will kill the bastard who did this to her. The man who tried to rip my family away from me.” There’s so much pain in his eyes. Ethan kisses his first two fingers and places them to her forehead. “We love you, sweet girl.”

Once we get back to the car, we sit in silence for a few moments as Ethan holds my hand. “Are you okay?” he asks.

I sigh, turning in my seat to face him. “I’m just…drained. Without any memories, I didn’t know what to expect. I had no idea I’d feel so connected to her. How are you?”

“I’ll be okay,” he says squeezing my hand. “I can get through anything as long as we’re together, Liv.” He cups my face in his hand, brushing his thumb across my cheek. “Close your eyes and rest on the way home.” Leaning back in my seat with a nod, I allow my heavy, swollen eyes to close.

When we arrive home, I go upstairs to our room and exchange my dress and jewelry for leggings and my favorite baggy sweatshirt. On my way back toward the stairs, I stop in the hallway in front of the closed door to the nursery. Opening the door and entering the room, a sense of peace comes over me this time. I stop in front of the dresser and pick up the framed photograph of Ethan and me. Sitting in the plush, pink rocking chair next to the window, I study the photograph as the warmth of the sun comes through the sheer white curtains. Our happiness is obvious. I so badly want to remember this. I want to feel all of it.

Sensing his presence, I look up to see Ethan walking toward me. He kneels in front of me and places a soft kiss on my cheek as he brushes my hair away from my face.

“Hey,” I say, looking into his steel blue eyes.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you,” he says softly.

“You’re not.” He smiles as we both look down at the photograph. “I’m sorry I freaked out when I came in here the first time.”

“No need to be sorry,” he says. “How do you feel being in here now?”

“I want to remember. I want to remember our happiness, our sadness, and everything in between. I want to remember what it felt like to have Evelyn growing inside me. I want my life back…the life I had with you.”

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