Page 40 of Alarm Fatigue

The low rumble of his quiet laugh is audible again and I wonder what the laugh means when he says, “Are you really saying you think that I can wait until tomorrow to spend time you?“ It is still dark but I can hear the smile in his voice. “Rachel, I would prefer to see you today, if that was not already obvious.”

I clear my throat trying to read his face in the dark. “Of course, that makes sense, since you missed me…I am afraid I am not very good at this.” I wave my hand between us to demonstrate whatever this is.

“I think you are doing beautifully.”

“You are teasing me.”

“Yes and no.” He takes my right hand again and kisses it gently. “You are being yourself and that makes me incredibly happy.”

And that was the moment that I knew several critical truths simultaneously. That those are the words I have wanted to hear my entire adult life. Eli lived them but no one had actually said them to me aloud. Just by being myself, I was being the woman he wanted. The second truth hit me square in the chest in the next instant. And that was that I, Rachel Lazarus, despite being deep into middle age, was possibly falling in love.

Chapter 26

Arriving home, I am nearly breathless with the revelation of my feelings. I am exhausted, but also simultaneously wired. What have you gotten yourself into, Rachel? Desperate for some sleep, I waste no time going out for a quick run, trying to get the jitters out of my system. A thousand and one things are running through my mind—I am too old for this, I am too old for Mark, he does not really know me, on and on. Eventually my brain is running out of thoughts and I am feeling ready for sleep, finally. Letting myself back into the house, I drink a bottle of water, take a quick shower and pass out in bed.

When I wake up the sun is high and my heart feels a bit lighter. What can I do but feel a surge of hope after everything that has happened? Grabbing my phone, I text Mark about getting together this afternoon.

Me: Hi. Just woke up—going

to get ready to meet you so

just let me know when and where

Looking at my closet I am now wishing I had waited to text him until I figured out what on earth I was going to wear. I think about the blue sweater from our first encounter, but it is too warm outside and I do not want to show up all sweaty. Knowing I do not have much time, I close my eyes and randomly choose a casual but fitted dark green linen top. I select a form-fitting midi-length black jersey skirt to wear with it, and my favorite black sandals. Putting in my gold hoop earrings I apply mascara and a lip stain, as is my new habit. Smiling at myself in the mirror I shrug at my reflection and realize this will have to do. Well, I will never be younger than I am on this day, I think. I check my phone.

Mark: Hi. Happy to meet you

at our place for coffee

Me: I know the place well.

See you soon.

Laughing to myself, I pour out some cat food for my fur babies who look resentful that I am going out again. “You two will be fine, you have each other.” With that I grab my purse and head out to The Good Brew to meet Mark.

When I arrive, the familiar bell chimes overhead, and here is Mark, sitting at our table smugly, in the very seat I was in that first night, a grin on his handsome face. I cannot help but smile back, like a fool, as I make my way through the coffee shop to the seat opposite him. When I arrive to the table he stands to greet me.

“Rachel. Here we are, again.” Leaning toward me he kisses my right cheek.

“Indeed we are.” I kiss him back on his cheek as well.

“What can I get you to drink—I was just about to order for myself.”

“I will take an oat milk cappuccino, if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all. Be right back.”

The moment he turns his back, I fan myself with the menu for a moment. It is not that I had forgotten how gorgeous Mark is, but my goodness, he is a whole other thing in person—absolutely stunning. Now that I am not irritated with him all of the time, I can allow myself to see it. Of course, my next thought is, what is he doing with me? I roll my eyes at my own insecurity. Waiting for him to return, I check my make-up in my compact.

“You look beautiful, if that is what you are wondering.”

Quickly closing my compact mirror and biting my tongue before I say something glib, I force myself to say, “Thank you.”

“Not at all. One cappuccino, as requested. I also grabbed us some cookies to share.”

“Thank you again. I am so glad you are home.” I stir two sugars into my drink and take a sip. “Delicious, as always.”

“So can this be our first date? You are still not counting that first encounter, if I remember correctly.”

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