Page 37 of Alarm Fatigue

“It sure does.” Kimberly takes her wife’s hand and kisses her gently on the knuckles.

Gabriella smiles. “I love that he knew. And that we get to know that he not only was aware of it, but had no judgement for his friend. And I can hear him saying those words to Mark. It was such a Dad thing to say and do.”

Amalie chimes in to that. “I agree with that. I mean it is kind of incredible if you think about it.” Then Ami looks at me with narrowed eyes as she spears some salad on her fork. “And so now you have told us—tell me this, how many times have you thought about running away or talking him out of his feelings so far, Rachel?”

I look away, feigning interest in my food. “About a dozen,” I admit. “I told him I need time to think about all of this. Honestly, I think when he gets some distance, he will realize he does not actually love me.”

No one indicates that they agree with me on this. They look at each other before Kim is the one that speaks.

“Rachel, I say this with all love and respect but I think that is your past talking to you. I mean, he has had over nine years to change his mind and now you think he will? Now that he thinks he might have a chance? No way in hell.”

“What kind of commitment is he proposing to make?” Leave it to Gabriella to cut to the heart of it.

I blush, because of course I do. “Whatever kind of commitment I need from him, is what he said.”

“Wow.” Hannah eyes are shining at me.

Amalie laughs at that. “Remember that bottle of wine you made me buy you after that first date? I want it back.”

I grumble. “I still refuse to admit that was a date.” I sort of change the subject on that note. “He left for Greece yesterday because he is volunteering in a refugee camp for six weeks and then he will be back. So I have some time to figure out what to do.”

At that Hannah can no longer contain herself. “What do you mean time to figure out what to do? Eema, you live happily ever after—what else is there to figure out?” With that, she looks scandalized.

“It is not that simple for me, Hannah love. I have built a whole life for myself on my own. It took me so much time and energy to build a safe space for myself after your father died. This is what none of you seemed to understand when you set about unraveling my life in this way.” At this tears burn my eyes. “I will not claim to have been overjoyed with my life but I felt safe and comfortable. All of this,” at this I wave my hands around in front of me, “being ‘launched’ into the dating world, it has rattled my life to the foundation. It is not a simple decision, for me, to just give up my sense of safety and peace just to let a man into my life.”

They have all grown quiet.

It’s Lila who speaks for them then.

“Eema, loving people is never going to be totally safe. I think we all have spoiled you because of how it was for you before. But you should understand, that even if you decide not to ever date Mark again, we want more for you than that life. We are prepared to be the ones that do not coddle you anymore. Well, maybe not Hannah.”

Hannah throws a piece of pita at her sister good-naturedly.

Lila continues, “Remember, you told Kim and me that you cannot go backwards to how it was before?” I nod in admission. “Well, we cannot go back to not challenging you. And I think that is what Mark does that frightens you. He challenges you rather than just kissing your ass all the time. I agree with you that it is not an easy choice but if you have feelings for him in that way, I hope you do not give up on them because of fear.”

Sighing deeply, I shrug. “Part of me can see the truth in what you are saying but at the same time I am terrified. I have already felt how much I could be hurt by him.”

Amalie gets her I-am-calling-bullshit face on before she chimes in. “Rachel, you decided his cousin had to be his girlfriend and literally ran away. That was not him hurting you. That was you hurting you.”

“I did not really think of it that way.”

“Eema, did you actually run away?” Gavi asks.

“I really did. In a jean pencil skirt no less.”

We all laugh at that and it feels cathartic. The rest of the evening we enjoy Amalie’s guilt wine that I ceremoniously returned to her, which she immediately opened for all of us to share.

As we are doing so, Ami is catching us all up on the brush strokes of her latest case, which had just settled out of court. Gavi then proceeds to share with us what the grandchildren have all been up to in day camp and how baby Yonah’s bottom teeth are coming in. Hannah has her own announcement as she has apparently been on a date with the patchouli-wearing instructor from our pottery class and is planning on having another. Kim and Lila ask us what we think about us all taking a trip together over the summer next year. They also tell us about their next trip which will be to Singapore. Gavi begs me to consider working part-time so that I can travel more and relax. I tell her I will think about it, as I always do, but this time I feel as though I may actually mean it.

Sitting around with them and enjoying some flan that came out broken and a bit flat but is still delicious, I realize, that whatever happens with Mark, I will have this. These women, my best friend and my daughters, will be by my side no matter what. Whatever happens with Mark, I will be okay. As we start to clean everything up, a plan starts to form in my head.

Chapter 25

Waking up to my alarm, I stretch and roll back over, blinking at the slivers of light coming in through the blinds in my room. I feel the cats stretching somewhere on the bed and go ahead and pull myself up. It has been just over five weeks now since Mark left for Greece, and I wake up thinking about him most days, as the time for his return draws near. I put on my bathrobe and set about my morning routine. After dressing and attending to my morning prayers I sit quietly with a meditation app for a few more minutes, trying to make space for peace in my heart. This has been added back to my routine at the recommendation of a friend at work. Sometimes, when I try to quiet my mind, it just continues to dart from one subject to another. But sometimes, it does seem to help me stay even-keeled. Every once in a while I experience something that feels like actual calm. Or at least, calm for me. Of course, I need all the help I can get.

Fixing myself some eggs and toast for breakfast, I sit at the kitchen table and check my phone for messages from Mark. After the girls’ night at my house I decided I would keep in touch with him consistently while he was away in order to avoid, as much as possible, the drama in my mind. It occurred to me that if I did not do that, I would keep wondering if he was thinking of me and all that tired, needy crap. Instead I just have the habit now of sending a message while I eat breakfast, whether he has sent one or not. I also set the tone from the beginning of keeping it casual because I am still uncomfortable with the idea that I am dating someone that I have not actually been on a date with.

Scooping eggs onto my toast it occurs to me that there is something about having made a decision to commit to Mark in this way that has kicked up a variety of emotional reactions within me. Part of me had hoped when I came up with a game plan for the month and a half he is in Greece, that my mind would settle and I would suddenly know what I was doing. Of course, it has not and I do not, which has turned out to be within the realm of acceptable. Some of what comes up has been negativity about myself and just generalized anxiety. At other times, I am just genuinely looking forward to hearing from him which has been a nice surprise. Thinking back on the Dr. PITA days, I marvel at the transition I have made in my feelings towards him.

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